2011? All I can say is…wow. It’s been a busy year. According to the United Nations, Spaceship Earth now carries seven billion souls. That’s a big number, to be sure – when I was born, it was just over three billion, and people were wondering where we were going to put all the…well, all the people. Scientists estimate that, in another fifty years, there will be over nine billion humans calling Earth home. I doubt I’ll be around to see …Read the Rest
As he reached for the dashboard and switched on his bubble light, I realized the unmarked car had been following me ever since I left the bar. I swung into the nearest parking lot I could find, a Toys R’ Us store, jam-packed with mothers and their children returning unwanted Christmas gifts. I put my hands on the steering wheel and waited; I didn’t want to risk getting shot. As the cop approached my door, I had a sinking feeling …Read the Rest
After the strange conversation I’d had with ex-Partridge Family member Danny Bonaduce, I felt the need for some refreshment. Luckily, the Yard House is just down the road, and they serve over three hundred beers. Surely they would have something to take away the weirdness of the afternoon’s telephone call. Ten minutes later I was pulling up a seat at the bar. The bartender walked over and introduced himself as Robert. “What can I get you?” he asked. I noticed …Read the Rest
Danny Bonaduce called me last week, all excited. “Dude, Shirley and I are starting up the band again, and I was wondering if you can take Brian Forster’s spot.” “Umm…what? Who is this?” “Dude,” he sounded tense. “It’s me, Danny. Danny Bonaduce? You know, The Partridge Family?” “Why are you calling me?” “Don’t you remember? You wrote us that nice letter, about how you wanted to part of the band.” Was this guy serious? “Uh, Danny. That was, what? 1970? …Read the Rest
We were way behind schedule. Dancer and Prancer had started my morning off by breaking into the stores of magic corn, and had been laying down some serious reindeer games all day long; poor Rudolph was near tears. And of course, I’d told the team to go easy with the carbs on Christmas Eve, but did they listen? No. Now I was flying over suburban Minneapolis, stuck behind a team of flatulent reindeer while trying to find little Susie’s house. …Read the Rest
Click here: Hanson Christmas 2011
Bark, bark, bark, all day long. I asked the Nordic Warrior Queen, “Whose fucking mutt is that? I’m going to kill it.” That’s when she told me there’s a dog park a few hundred away; just next to the baseball field, on the other side of the trees. A dog park? You mean, a park, just for dogs? What the hell? You’d think they pay taxes or something. So I Googled “dog parks,” and it turns out there are over …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen says I’m a procrastinator. That’s when I tell her I’d rather talk about it later. Actually, I think procrastination is a virtue. After all, why waste valuable time today doing what’s best put off until later? After all, you might wake up dead tomorrow. Look at all the things that would have turned out better if people had only procrastinated. If NASA had held off a few hours on the Space Shuttle Challenger launch, the air …Read the Rest
I could be dying, but does the Nordic Warrior Queen take it seriously? Of course she doesn’t. Instead she insults me. I guess that’s what thirty years of marriage does to a relationship. It’s like this. A few months ago, right about the time my employer gave up all pretense of trying to keep me busy, I started to get this…well, this rough patch of skin. On my stomach. It doesn’t hurt, but it might be a tumor, or some …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I agree on most things, but politics isn’t one of them. For starters, I like Herman Cain. My wife likes…well, nobody. With things as they are in Washington these days, maybe I can’t blame her. Herman Cain and I have a lot in common – he likes pizza, I like pizza. He’s a Republican, and I am too, sort of, at least when I vote. And we both worked at Burger King, Home of the …Read the Rest