Category Archives: Life in Arizona

Hanging with Dumptruck

Hanging with Dumptruck

My grandson Logan and I were sitting on the couch watching Terminator when the kid turned to me. “You know something, Papa?” he said. “Linda Hamilton is hot.” I looked down at his chubby face, the splotch of crusted breast milk on his t-shirt. “Dude, you’re six months old. How would you even know?” A thin runner of drool trickled down his chin. “I especially like the part where she says, ‘Watch it for me, big buns.’” I tried to …Read the Rest

Sam Champion and the Comet

Sam Champion and the Comet

Sam Champion’s been making a big hoopla lately over the comet PANSTARRS, Earth’s most recent once-in-a-lifetime interstellar visitor. Every morning he explains the details of the comet’s appearance, going on about perihelion and secular light curves, terms as foreign to me as Sam’s gassy traveler from the Oort Cloud. It’s all over my head, but still it’s exciting to hear Sam Champion say words like magnitude and astronomical units, especially this early in the morning. “It’s been in the southern …Read the Rest

That’s Not You

That’s Not You

Some women are afraid their man thinks about others. That he’ll break his promise and leave someday. They wonder, does he even want to be with me? Please believe me when I say, that’s not you.   Some women worry he might get drunk and hit her. Avoid or ignore her, or simply not care. They want to trust him, but are unable. Darling, just know this: I’ll cherish you, and honor our love. You’re my everything, and that will never be …Read the Rest

Baking Biscuits with Paula Deen

Baking Biscuits with Paula Deen

The Sister Wives went to the movie theater this afternoon. The Crazy Cat Lady  said she’d pay (turned out she had free tickets) and the Nordic Warrior Queen wanted to see Silver Linings Playbook. Ever since Hangover, she’s had a thing for Bradley Cooper. I took a rain check. I’m more of an action movie kind of guy. But to show that I wasn’t sore at being left home alone on a Saturday, I decided to surprise them with a …Read the Rest

Ted and Alice

Ted and Alice

The Sister Wife bought two pet birds last week. They’re zebra finches, one of the most worthless creature in the animal kingdom. You’d need a hundred of them for a sandwich. She named them Ted and Alice. “Why not Bob and Carol?” I said. “Those are stupid names,” replied the Sister Wife. She said the Übercat needed something to keep it entertained during the day, while the Sister Wife’s away at work. As if sleeping and licking its ass all day isn’t enough. …Read the Rest

Peeing at the Circle K

Peeing at the Circle K

Headed to Tucson this weekend to visit the kids, the Nordic Warrior Queen and I stopped in Florence to gas up. Naturally, she had to pee. “I had too much coffee.” I didn’t want her to feel self-conscious about it, so I visited the men’s room. To keep her company, sort of. I figured I’d knock on the wall, so she’d know I was thinking of her while the bishop and I wrote my name in the urinal. Holy Christ, …Read the Rest

Riding the HOV Lane

Riding the HOV Lane

The Nordic Warrior Queen blames traffic congestion on carpoolers. “What’s up with those stupid diamond lanes!” She makes this comment as we enjoy the freedom of the northbound HOV lane, whizzing past stop and go traffic as we return home from Target, or driving the pickup truck back from Bevmo, the back heaped high with cases of Miller Lite for the Sister Wife. “Look at those poor people,” she says. “What a waste of space.” Of course she means the …Read the Rest

35 Birthdays

35 Birthdays

I got her two dozen long-stem roses for her 16th birthday. I was smarter back then, and should have just stuck with flowers going forward. When she was 17, I bought her a pair of black gerbils. Because I wanted her to read Lord of the Rings, she named them Frodo and Bilbo. Sometime before Thanksgiving, Bilbo ate Frodo’s tail. She screamed when she found him. Bilbo died before Christmas. We used the aquarium later for some fish. For her …Read the Rest

ELE and the Ubercat

ELE and the Ubercat

I was in my den last night, working on my acceptance speech for the 2012 Bloggies award, when the Ubercat strolled in. “We need to talk,” she said without preamble. She knew she wasn’t allowed in my room. That’s what happens when she tries to eat my bird. I reached for the squirt bottle. “Hold it, human,” she said, and ran behind the chair.   “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” I yelled. The Nordic Warrior Queen called from downstairs. “Everything okay …Read the Rest

The Best Birthday Gift

The Best Birthday Gift

I used to fall asleep in high school. History 101. Ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia can be boring, even to a fifteen-year-old boy. Then I noticed the girl: four seats up, on the right, the one with the hourglass shape and the beautiful neck. She wore bell-bottom jeans and a tight  sweater, white stripes against a sky blue background. It looked painted on. Incredible. She turned to whisper something to a friend, and that’s when I saw her eyes. Green, with …Read the Rest

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