Ted and Alice

January 29, 2013

The Sister Wife bought two pet birds last week. They’re zebra finches, one of the most worthless creature in the animal kingdom. You’d need a hundred of them for a sandwich. She named them Ted and Alice.

“Why not Bob and Carol?” I said.

“Those are stupid names,” replied the Sister Wife.

She said the Übercat needed something to keep it entertained during the day, while the Sister Wife’s away at work. As if sleeping and licking its ass all day isn’t enough.

There once were goldfish, but the cat ate them. Then it vomited in the kitchen.

When not licking it’s ass, the cat stares at them. All day long. I know it bothers the birds, so whenever I see the cat there I squirt it with water. Ted and Alice cheer loudly (for finches) as it runs from the room.

“Hey Mister. We hate that fucking cat,” said the larger of the two. “Make it go away.”

“Sorry to hear that, Ted.”

“I’m not Ted,” said  Alice. “He’s Ted,” and pointed a wing at the nest.

Ted nodded his tiny beak. “Wassup,” he said amicably.

I turned to Alice. “You lay the eggs and he sits on them?”

She gave me a wink. “That’s how it works in this house, mister. Now what are you going to do about it?”


“Umm, the Übercat? How would you like to sit trapped in a cage with a T-Rex staring at you all day?”

“How would you know about T-Rex?” I said.

Alice rolled her beady little eyes. “Hey Ted,” she called. “Get a load out of this loser. He’s never seen Jurassic Park!” They both laughed raucously (for finches).

I turned to leave. “Mister, don’t go,” called Ted. “We’re sorry. We’ll do anything for you.”

“What?” I laughed. “You’re just tiny birds. What do you think you can do for me?”

Ted glared, sullen now. Alice turned her back.

“Listen, guys. I like you. You make those cute beeping noises and you don’t eat much. But there’s nothing I can do about the cat.”

“You must KILLLLL IT!” hissed Ted. He sounded like a miniature Freddy Krueger.

Alice chimed in. “Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!” she chanted.

“Goodbye birds,” I said, and closed the door behind me. I couldn’t listen to any more.

The Übercat waited in the hall. “Those guys are crazy,” he said. “ Isn’t there something you can do?”

For once, I agreed with him.

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