I’m taking most of the department to Mexico for a silly system audit. Just in case the plane goes down while traveling there, thus killing not only yours truly but also my employer’s entire ERP support team (thereby teaching him a valuable lesson), I feel it important to prepare the proper words for my headstone. Just in case: Here he lies, it’s Mr. Ass We’re storing him beneath the grass Until one day the aliens land And dig him up from under the sand …Read the Rest
I’m not sure how he does it, but I don’t like it. Every cunning JAB I make, he COUNTERS; I RIPOST, he SLAYS me. If I’d known he would do this to family, I might have thought twice before giving him the HAND of my little girl in MARRIAGE. No, it’s no duel, but my son-in-law plays a mean game of Words With Friends and quite frankly I’m getting pissed off about it. I never knew there were so freaking many ways to …Read the Rest
My wife asked me today if I have any rubbers. “You bet,” I replied. “Just let me one off and I’ll be right back.” So I hurried off to the bedroom, dug to the deepest, darkest corner of my nightstand, and found a lonely soldier there. But when I returned, pants around my knees and grinning ear to ear, she told me I was mistaken. “Put it away, dear,” she said. “You’re daughter has ants.” Ants! So what? I could care less, but the women-folk …Read the Rest
Since it’s my last day in Minnesota, I feel I can finally complain a little about my lodging. More specifically, the toilet. We’ve been staying at my mother-in-law’s house, and I love her (really, I do) and truly appreciate her letting us live here for nearly two weeks rent-free, but would it be too much to ask for her to buy a larger toilet seat? I’m not a fat bastard, not yet at least, but sitting on this thing should be an Olympic …Read the Rest
When I started this whole blogging thing, I never knew it would lead to this. Oh sure, I figured a few people would read me – you can always count on your Mom to read your crap, and your wife pretty much has to – but I never expected to have a fan club like this. Over the past few weeks, I started to receive some very nice comments on my postings from girls with names like Alicia and Chastity. What’s more, they sent me links …Read the Rest
Dear Steve, I just wanted to thank you for your new invention called the iPad. It has ruined my life. This morning I lost my job when they caught me playing Plants vs. Zombies during a management meeting. On the way home, I had a car accident because I rear-ended some guy as I was playing Labyrinth. When the cop came, he got pissed after he caught me Googling traffic laws while he was talking and I was arrested. I finally got home in …Read the Rest
My son has been dating the same girl for some time now, and recently they announced their wedding engagement. She’s a great gal, and I wish them all the best. But recently, we have come to learn a terrible truth about her: today we found out that she has a secret. A secret? So what, you say, everyone has secrets. But sadly, this is a deep dark secret, the kind that might some day require intervention, or even medication. It …Read the Rest
You girls won’t get this, so you might as well stop reading. Peeing when you’re a girl is easy. Maybe it’s no less messy than standing up to pee, but it’s certainly contained, and far more predictable. When you’re a guy…well, it simply gets away from you sometimes. Asking me to explain why at 2:17 AM a little spray hits the bathroom wall is like asking why a spring thunderstorm takes out a trailer park. Sorry about that ladies, it happens; perhaps you should have taken …Read the Rest
Ever notice how, on the Wednesday following a holiday weekend, when you forget that the garbage man is running a day late and you bring your can(s) down to the curb by accident, everyone else in the neighborhood does the same thing? Does that make me a trendsetter, or does it make everyone on the block a dumbass too? I’m not sure, but I’m not dragging those smelly bastards (meaning the cans) back up the driveway until they’re empty, even if …Read the Rest
When I was a boy, I saw the movie Rollerball, starring James Caan playing a bloodthirsty but morally troubled athlete. It was a great movie, and Caan almost made up for his sappy rendition of a dying football player from his previous movie, Brian’s Song. Rollerball portrayed a futuristic spectator sport in which the crowd cheered while the losers had their heads smashed in with a spiky steel ball. To a teenage boy, this was real entertainment. But even going back to medieval times, people have enjoyed watching violence – gladiators hacking one another to …Read the Rest