Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Nasty

How often do you look between your toes? I admit that when I was younger (and more flexible), I investigated not only my toes but also every square inch of this place called Kip. The human body is a marvel, don’t you think? One can hardly avoid being fascinated by its sweaty, hair-filled nooks and crannies. But now, well into middle-age, I am less aware of those parts of my body which are not easily viewable during the daily showering, shaving, teeth-brushing routine. Except when they bother me. So …Read the Rest

Whoa

Ahhh, Bevmo! Bevmo is the ultimate beer superstore. For those of you not fortunate enough to have a local Bevmo (I’m speaking now about those poor Minnesotans who have only the MGM Liquor Warehouse or Cub Foods to choose from, which are not even open on Sundays and carry beers like Pig’s Eye and Schell), Bevmo is to beer what Home Depot is to home improvement, what Gold’s Gym is to weight lifting, what Fed-Ex is to home package delivery. You get the idea. But this post is not about …Read the Rest

Out of Control

What’s wrong with this picture? After frantically searching for the past fifteen minutes in the junk drawer, the night stand, and the coffee table, I was still unable to find the right remote control to play my vintage copy of Star Wars on laser disc. I’m fairly sure there’s a box out in the shed containing another dozen or so remote controls, one of which will surely fire up my twelve-year old LD player. In the end, I said screw it and watched a rerun of Jaws on AMC. …Read the Rest

Something’s Peekin’

Don’t tell my wife, but today an attractive young woman woman squirted warm lubricant all over me and proceeded to poke and pull on the largest and most impressive part of my body. I’m talking about my stomach, of course. I’ve never had an ultrasound before, but I admit it was kind of cool. For what they charge the insurance company, however, you should at least get a few color photographs out of the deal. Something you can frame maybe, or put on a Christmas card. The saddest …Read the Rest

Top Secret

You’ve all seen those legal disclaimers sitting at the bottom of corporate email signatures lately, the ones that say you’d better not share the important garbage contained within the email or you’ll surely roast in hell. Today I received this beauty, one that raised the bar on stupidity. Of course I won’t share with you who it came from, except to say that a $150,000 education doesn’t guarantee common sense: This message from xxxxx contains information that may be confidential and/or privileged. If you are not …Read the Rest

The Power of Positive Thinking

At work today, shortly after the fourth shouting-match we call a meeting, I realized I was about to pass out from hunger and decided I better eat or I would die. I warmed up my leftover Chinese take-out in the company-sponsored petri dish oven and went back to my desk to choke down it all down before the next meeting. While there, I surfed a little and stumbled across this wonderful advice written by some idiot journalist who, aside from working the drive-through at the Taco Bell while earning her BA, has …Read the Rest

Twigs and Branches

  I went to the doctor the other day. I won’t elaborate on the reasons for the visit, but I’ll summarize by saying that after she put her finger in my butt (with very little warning, I might add) and complimented me on the health of my prostate, she suggested I need more fiber in my diet. Not sure how she can tell all that with her finger, but I guess that’s what medical school is for.  So I started to check …Read the Rest

Thanks for the Info, Bill

Coming back to the office this morning after ten days in Mexico, I received this error message upon booting my computer. Wow. I was thinking I might need new glasses, but I see now that it’s just a fuzzy display. What a relief.

Maybe He Just Needs a Friend

I’m glad I’m not Mel Gibson. Maybe my wife’s not glad, but I am. Why can’t they give the guy a break? The Nordic Warrior Queen and I still fight now and then, even after 29 years of wedded bliss. You don’t see our arguments publicized on Entertainment Tonight and CBS World News, do you? Of course, that’s a good thing for her, because the entire world would know that I’m right, at least most of the time. So the …Read the Rest

Asswares

Check this out. Looks like Mr. Ass is catching on. Despite seeing my moniker in lights, so to speak, I’m sort of pissed off at this guy. I feel I’m due a royalty check from Mr. Sopp, for the use of my name. I tried calling him, just to let him know that I’m the real Mr. Ass and to tell him he’d better knock it off, but he won’t return my call. The nerve of some people. This Mr. Ass wanna-be is also known …Read the Rest

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