I know there are a million people out there commenting on the Tiger Woods divorce today, so I’ll keep my opinion short and to the point: 1. I think it’s unfair that his wife followed through on the divorce, even after he succesfully completed months of sex-addiction therapy. 2. I wonder if he still has the little black book of phone numbers…
Believe me, I’m not making fun of them. Really. And if my hearing continues to deteriorate at its present rate, I might soon be one of them. But today, I sat next to a group of five deaf-mute women having a nice conversation during lunch. It was pleasant, if somewhat animated. Unlike most of the diners, they were very quiet, and never once did they show their food while talking. I guess the only bad thing was that it took them a really …Read the Rest
I’ve been eating lunch at the office lately – you know, sandwiches, canned soup, leftovers and shit like that; trying to save some money for retirement. But after today, I’m rethinking the whole thing, and considering that living at my kid’s house might not be so bad. After all, it’s only fair, since I’ve carried their weight all these years. Anyway, it’s Thursday, and I only have $17 bucks left, so I scrounged in the bottom of my file cabinet where I …Read the Rest
As long as we’re talking about sports, let me give you a warning: if you use a product called Absorbine Jr., be very careful to keep it as far away from your boys as possible. Let me explain. I’ve been working around the house a lot lately. This is why I don’t exercise, because the Nordic Warrior Queen keeps me so damn busy with her honeydo list. But even so, I still get sore muscles. So the other weekend while applying some Abosrbine Jr. to my toes …Read the Rest
Say what you like about Brett Favre coming back for another season, but at least he’s still willing to work for his money. Driving home last night, I heard Troy Aikman and Hulk Hogan on the radio doing a commercial for Rent-A-Center. What! Now, I don’t have much money and probably never will so I should just shut up, but my thought is that these guys ought to have enough money socked away by now after their successful sports careers (not to mention movie roles and prime-time TV bits) …Read the Rest
I won’t explain the reasons why, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about proctology. There are a lot of different jobs out there, most of which are quite satisfactory, so what could possibly be going through some college junior’s head when, three weeks into the second semester, he decides to become a proctologist? I suppose the pay is good, but think about it: for your entire working life, you will be placing your finger into the butt of nearly everyone you meet. At parties, nobody …Read the Rest
Driving home last night, I heard an interesting radio commercial from the world name in condoms. Yes, condoms. The Trojan Corporation was advertising their latest and greatest invention, Fire and Ice. Wow. Ain’t technology great? I’m not sure I understand how they work, but it sounds like she gets the cold side, and he gets the hot. Or maybe it’s the other way around, I don’t know, but either way it sounds kind of scary. What happens if you put one of these suckers …Read the Rest
I’m insulted. Three weeks after this pushy broad squirted slimy goo all over me and then shoved a camera around my stomach until I was left with sticky dreadlocks, she sends me a Dear John letter. No phone call after the procedure to ask how I was doing, no sympathy card, just a short impersonal report in the mail today saying “no definite fluid collection or other mass appreciated.” Now I’m not sure what that part means, but It doesn’t sound too bad. Here’s the …Read the Rest
As a follow up to the previous post, I must apologize to my son for unfairly blaming him. He was not responsible for the empty Rubbermaid in the refrigerator, since he has admitted to not making his own lunches for two weeks now, and has instead been eating out every day. I guess it’s time to raise the rent if he can afford fast food while I eat PBJ sandwiches and drink tapwater to save money. Despite this, it turns out that the …Read the Rest
Since the Nordic Warrior Queen has been pissed at me the last few days, I’m being punished with making my own lunches. So I opened the refrigerator door this morning to find that, not only had my full-time and seemingly eternal student of a son finished off the noodle salad, but he also placed the empty container back in the refrigerator, I’m guessing to avoid being yelled at for leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Of course, last week he drank all but the last five drops …Read the Rest