I have a very important question: why is it that socks, which are two separate pieces of fabric, are purchased in pairs, while pants, obviously one distinct entity, are also purchased in pairs? If you’re going to tell me it’s because pants have two legs, then why don’t I have any pairs of shirts? A cobbler uses two pieces of leather for one pair of shoes, but a textile worker uses only one piece of cloth for a pair of …Read the Rest
I’m glad I’m not Mel Gibson. Maybe my wife’s not glad, but I am. Why can’t they give the guy a break? The Nordic Warrior Queen and I still fight now and then, even after 29 years of wedded bliss. You don’t see our arguments publicized on Entertainment Tonight and CBS World News, do you? Of course, that’s a good thing for her, because the entire world would know that I’m right, at least most of the time. So the …Read the Rest
Last week, I checked into a Mexican hotel. I had been traveling all day and was tired. When I opened the door to my room, I slipped the key card into the power slot and was greeted with dim illumination. Three of the light bulbs in the room were burned out – the sconce above the desk, the entryway light, and one of the two lights above the bed. No big deal, it was late, so I wrote a note …Read the Rest
I know I’ve complained in the past about toilet-related things. The shape and orientation of the roll, having one’s feet peed on, the size of the seat, etc.. What do you expect, it’s Mr. Ass, right? But in the end, these are life’s minor inconveniences, and we have to learn to accept them. However, I have to say that there’s nothing worse than standing before the porcelain bus, making wee-wee, thinking about bed and why did you have that last beer, when suddenly the lid slams down, sending …Read the Rest
Check this out. Looks like Mr. Ass is catching on. Despite seeing my moniker in lights, so to speak, I’m sort of pissed off at this guy. I feel I’m due a royalty check from Mr. Sopp, for the use of my name. I tried calling him, just to let him know that I’m the real Mr. Ass and to tell him he’d better knock it off, but he won’t return my call. The nerve of some people. This Mr. Ass wanna-be is also known …Read the Rest
My wife and I had a blow up, knock down, drag out fight the other day, during which the Nordic Warrior Queen brought up every failing and shortcoming of the male half of the species, which I had just recently exemplified with my rude behavior. Why did she do this, you ask? Well, it wasn’t my neglect of the garbage can, or my poor choice of TV program, nor did I kick the dog or yell at one of the …Read the Rest
I’m taking most of the department to Mexico for a silly system audit. Just in case the plane goes down while traveling there, thus killing not only yours truly but also my employer’s entire ERP support team (thereby teaching him a valuable lesson), I feel it important to prepare the proper words for my headstone. Just in case: Here he lies, it’s Mr. Ass We’re storing him beneath the grass Until one day the aliens land And dig him up from under the sand …Read the Rest
One day in early January of this year, sentenced to Mexico for two straight weeks and grimly contemplating my 11th consecutive visit to Applebee’s, I decided maybe a hobby might improve my piss-poor attitude. Thus was born misterass.com. Much has happened since then, yet it’s ironic that tomorrow, nearly six months later, I am again looking forward to another two weeks of all-expense-paid-vacation in Mexico. Viva, Mexico! This post marks my 100th since I started the whole thing, but even after writing some 20,000 …Read the Rest
For months I told her no, I won’t do it. But she kept at me, relentless like a predator. Just a little bit dear, I promise. It won’t take long. You can do it, it’s really easy, and then we’ll go get a beer afterwards, okay? Please? No way, I said. Go get one of your overpriced salon queers to do it. I’m no hairdresser. But she wore me down. Which is why I found myself one Saturday afternoon wearing rubber gloves, a funny-shaped comb …Read the Rest
We went to the in-laws for dinner the other night. Somehow, that homeless woman found her way there as well. In typical Hanson fashion, we polished off the 12-pack of Hefeweisen purchased specifically for us 30 minutes into it and had to start on the reserves of Corona in the garage. We drank them warm but didn’t care by that point. Dinner was BBQ ribs, potato salad, pasta salad, fruit salad, chicken salad, taco salad, green salad, egg salad, and some sort of …Read the Rest