I’m no poet. In fact, I don’t much like poetry. It’s moderately boring crap, in my opinion. And don’t get me started on rhyming poems. Jesus. My third or fourth time through The Lord of the Rings, I even stopped reading all the Elvish poems Tolkien has sprinkled in there because of all the damn rhyming (well, except for the Fall of Gil-galad – that one’s still pretty cool). But that doesn’t mean I can’t write poetry if I …Read the Rest
I have writing class tomorrow. I feel I can write fairly well (you’re here, aren’t you?) but I still struggle with gerunds, superlatives, and infinitives. And to be honest, I have a hard time really giving a crap. Maybe I shouldn’t have spent High School English hour out in the park smoking pot with my would-be wife, or drinking warm Hauenstein with my future-ex-brother-in-law from the trunk of his Chevy Vega (there’s a fairly entertaining story there, I can tell you). However, despite my self-imposed handicap, I still …Read the Rest
I’m not sure how he does it, but I don’t like it. Every cunning JAB I make, he COUNTERS; I RIPOST, he SLAYS me. If I’d known he would do this to family, I might have thought twice before giving him the HAND of my little girl in MARRIAGE. No, it’s no duel, but my son-in-law plays a mean game of Words With Friends and quite frankly I’m getting pissed off about it. I never knew there were so freaking many ways to …Read the Rest
My wife asked me today if I have any rubbers. “You bet,” I replied. “Just let me one off and I’ll be right back.” So I hurried off to the bedroom, dug to the deepest, darkest corner of my nightstand, and found a lonely soldier there. But when I returned, pants around my knees and grinning ear to ear, she told me I was mistaken. “Put it away, dear,” she said. “You’re daughter has ants.” Ants! So what? I could care less, but the women-folk …Read the Rest
I’ve flown a lot: Mexico, Germany, Brazil, Portugal. Over the past few years, I’ve been through more security checkpoints than a drug-sniffing dog. Through it all, I’ve carried my green computer bag and never had a problem. At least, not until I traveled to Minnesota. We were taking the early flight from Minneapolis to Tucson – my wife, my grandson, my green bag and I. After passing through the x-ray, I was getting dressed when I noticed two burly Homeland …Read the Rest
You’d better be careful. Soon after the arrival of Droid II, I grew bored with the phone’s standard ringtones and downloaded a few soundboards, including Achmed the Dead Terrorist, Austin Powers, and Godzilla. But my favorite of all is the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Soon my phone was spouting out “Hasta la Vista,” and “Chill out, Dickwad,” along with my favorite, “I’ll be back,” usually while I was in line at the grocery checkout or in a business meeting for which …Read the Rest
Since it’s my last day in Minnesota, I feel I can finally complain a little about my lodging. More specifically, the toilet. We’ve been staying at my mother-in-law’s house, and I love her (really, I do) and truly appreciate her letting us live here for nearly two weeks rent-free, but would it be too much to ask for her to buy a larger toilet seat? I’m not a fat bastard, not yet at least, but sitting on this thing should be an Olympic …Read the Rest
I admire Minesota for their highway system; their speedy roads, their efficient byways, their ability to quickly travel to exotic and distant lands: Des Moines, Fargo, even Biwabik, home of Honk the Moose and gateway to the Iron Range. Granted, they do have road construction for much of the year, and it snows for what’s left, but when those roads are clear, holy cow are they fast. But Jesus Christ: what’s up with the left-turn arrows? I’ve been back home for …Read the Rest
Minnesotan’s love their vehicles. They can drive anywhere, anytime, in any weather. They have four-wheel drive, all-wheel drive, one-wheel wonders, quadrunners, snowmobiles, motorcycles, riding lawnmowers, and dog-sleds. Big deal, you say: lots of places have such conveyances. Maybe so. But in the water, at least, nobody can compete with Minnesotans. With 10,000 lakes, you can be sure they know how to get about on the water: pontoon boats, sailboats, runabouts, Chris-crafts, canoes, rowboats, speedboats, duck-boats, jetskis, party yachts, and even those …Read the Rest
I’ve had near-death experiences nearly every day since my arrival. The first involved a head-on collision with the leafy end of an oak tree, left in the middle of the road by some would-be lumberjack who must have heard the frantic dinner call of lutefisk and Schell beer, thus abandoning his charge. Earlier today, while traveling back from beautiful New Ulm, a semi-truck hauling a load of baked goods to the local Super-Valu nearly crushed me and my family when …Read the Rest