Driving home last night, I heard an interesting radio commercial from the world name in condoms. Yes, condoms. The Trojan Corporation was advertising their latest and greatest invention, Fire and Ice. Wow. Ain’t technology great? I’m not sure I understand how they work, but it sounds like she gets the cold side, and he gets the hot. Or maybe it’s the other way around, I don’t know, but either way it sounds kind of scary. What happens if you put one of these suckers …Read the Rest
I’m insulted. Three weeks after this pushy broad squirted slimy goo all over me and then shoved a camera around my stomach until I was left with sticky dreadlocks, she sends me a Dear John letter. No phone call after the procedure to ask how I was doing, no sympathy card, just a short impersonal report in the mail today saying “no definite fluid collection or other mass appreciated.” Now I’m not sure what that part means, but It doesn’t sound too bad. Here’s the …Read the Rest
We have a new weather guy down here. The last one died of boredom. Think about it: reading the same forecast day after day after day. On really challenging weather days, the temperature might jump two whole degrees, or a couple of clouds move in and threaten a little rain. This new guy is from northern Iowa. My wife likes him, but I think he’s kind of queer. He talks funny too, but maybe that’s just me. At least he knows a good tornado or snowstorm when he sees one. But I …Read the Rest
I was late coming home last night. Since “she” was still pissed at me about the Rubbermaid comments, I figured I’d better stop for something to eat, as there surely wouldn’t be any home-cooked meals waiting for me. I thought about Burger King but was afraid I might see the creepy guy in the King outfit, and McDonald’s has clowns. So that left Taco Bell. I pulled up to the drive-thru microphone kiosk thing. I don’t like talking to machines, and …Read the Rest
As a follow up to the previous post, I must apologize to my son for unfairly blaming him. He was not responsible for the empty Rubbermaid in the refrigerator, since he has admitted to not making his own lunches for two weeks now, and has instead been eating out every day. I guess it’s time to raise the rent if he can afford fast food while I eat PBJ sandwiches and drink tapwater to save money. Despite this, it turns out that the …Read the Rest
Since the Nordic Warrior Queen has been pissed at me the last few days, I’m being punished with making my own lunches. So I opened the refrigerator door this morning to find that, not only had my full-time and seemingly eternal student of a son finished off the noodle salad, but he also placed the empty container back in the refrigerator, I’m guessing to avoid being yelled at for leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Of course, last week he drank all but the last five drops …Read the Rest
How often do you look between your toes? I admit that when I was younger (and more flexible), I investigated not only my toes but also every square inch of this place called Kip. The human body is a marvel, don’t you think? One can hardly avoid being fascinated by its sweaty, hair-filled nooks and crannies. But now, well into middle-age, I am less aware of those parts of my body which are not easily viewable during the daily showering, shaving, teeth-brushing routine. Except when they bother me. So …Read the Rest
Ahhh, Bevmo! Bevmo is the ultimate beer superstore. For those of you not fortunate enough to have a local Bevmo (I’m speaking now about those poor Minnesotans who have only the MGM Liquor Warehouse or Cub Foods to choose from, which are not even open on Sundays and carry beers like Pig’s Eye and Schell), Bevmo is to beer what Home Depot is to home improvement, what Gold’s Gym is to weight lifting, what Fed-Ex is to home package delivery. You get the idea. But this post is not about …Read the Rest
You are a bad girl. Your mother is ashamed of you. Out here in the Wild West, Sheriff Joe would put you in pink PJs and hang you from a tall tree by a short rope (thanks for the metaphor, Jake), or tie you down over an ant hill and pour honey on your naked body. When I placed an ad on the Tucson Craigslist for a desk and chair, I assumed the world would play square with me. I was wrong. This douchebag Amy Vocu lied …Read the Rest
Not sure what’s going on here. My wife’s been watching The Deadliest Catch all weekend long. I think she’s got the hots for one of the fishing boat captains, but I’m not sure which one. Hopefully it’s not the guy who just stroked out from smoking four packs of cigarettes a day, but it might be – she’s always had a soft spot for hard-luck cases. Anyway, I blame the Catsittter. He’s the one that got her started on this stupid show …Read the Rest