As long as we’re talking about lawmakers, how about this guy trying to pass laws against free-range cows? I’m not naming names, but I don’t think one runaway heifer is enough to stir up such a fuss, even if she was on the lam for two months in suburban Phoenix. True, she has horns and weighs nearly as much as Smart Car, but what’s the big deal? It’s not like there are many lawns around here she can destroy. As a homeowner, if …Read the Rest
Arizonans are an adventurous lot come monsoon season. For some reason, they seem to forget some basic laws of physics and insist on driving on through that flooded wash. After all, it’s just a little water, right? It can’t really be that deep. Which is why our loyal public servants created the Stupid Motorist Law, hoping that by fining the shit out of those reckless souls it might keep them out of the running water, as if losing one’s vehicle isn’t enough punishment. Certainly it wasn’t …Read the Rest
I know there are a million people out there commenting on the Tiger Woods divorce today, so I’ll keep my opinion short and to the point: 1. I think it’s unfair that his wife followed through on the divorce, even after he succesfully completed months of sex-addiction therapy. 2. I wonder if he still has the little black book of phone numbers…
Believe me, I’m not making fun of them. Really. And if my hearing continues to deteriorate at its present rate, I might soon be one of them. But today, I sat next to a group of five deaf-mute women having a nice conversation during lunch. It was pleasant, if somewhat animated. Unlike most of the diners, they were very quiet, and never once did they show their food while talking. I guess the only bad thing was that it took them a really …Read the Rest
I’ve been eating lunch at the office lately – you know, sandwiches, canned soup, leftovers and shit like that; trying to save some money for retirement. But after today, I’m rethinking the whole thing, and considering that living at my kid’s house might not be so bad. After all, it’s only fair, since I’ve carried their weight all these years. Anyway, it’s Thursday, and I only have $17 bucks left, so I scrounged in the bottom of my file cabinet where I …Read the Rest
As long as we’re talking about sports, let me give you a warning: if you use a product called Absorbine Jr., be very careful to keep it as far away from your boys as possible. Let me explain. I’ve been working around the house a lot lately. This is why I don’t exercise, because the Nordic Warrior Queen keeps me so damn busy with her honeydo list. But even so, I still get sore muscles. So the other weekend while applying some Abosrbine Jr. to my toes …Read the Rest
Say what you like about Brett Favre coming back for another season, but at least he’s still willing to work for his money. Driving home last night, I heard Troy Aikman and Hulk Hogan on the radio doing a commercial for Rent-A-Center. What! Now, I don’t have much money and probably never will so I should just shut up, but my thought is that these guys ought to have enough money socked away by now after their successful sports careers (not to mention movie roles and prime-time TV bits) …Read the Rest
While visiting a friend’s house last night, I opened the front door to find this guy waiting for me on the step. He’s a Sonoran Desert Toad. Every monsoon season in Arizona they come out of the washes by the hundreds. They scream like women, hop about the yard, and have toad sex right in front of everyone. They eat mice and bugs and sometimes each other. It’s magical. But the coolest part is that they are hallucinogenic. If you …Read the Rest
I won’t explain the reasons why, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about proctology. There are a lot of different jobs out there, most of which are quite satisfactory, so what could possibly be going through some college junior’s head when, three weeks into the second semester, he decides to become a proctologist? I suppose the pay is good, but think about it: for your entire working life, you will be placing your finger into the butt of nearly everyone you meet. At parties, nobody …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I had a big argument this weekend. It was over another woman. We were on our way to Phoenix for a nice dinner and a night at a hotel, far away from our young roommates, barking dogs, squawking birds, and household chores. We were both looking forward to a romantic getaway. And then it started. We used to live in Phoenix, but a lot’s changed since then, so I’d programmed my GPS for directions. I still insist that I knew where I was …Read the Rest