Forty Days

  I’m guessing if it rains much more here on my Minnesota vacation, I’ll need to take a boat home, or perhaps construct an ark. And yet, the Minnesotans with their fierce Nordic genes take it all in stride; they walk, ride, jog, shop, play, and picnic as if there’s nothing wrong with the weather at all. I’m starting to wonder if they have webbed feet.

Almost Right

I could be mistaken, but last time I was here they were working on this same intersection. Does that mean they never stopped, or that they fixed it and then decided to tear it up again? Maybe they didn’t get it quite right, like my wife rearranging the furniture, or placing a picture on the wall. Take down any of the many paintings at home and you’re sure to find a dozen nailholes, evidence of either my wife’s anal-retentiveness or …Read the Rest

Winter Survival Training

Life here is hard. For ten months of the year, bitter cold, snow and ice ravages the land until only the hardiest survive. Even today, in the peak of summer, the temperature plummeted and I was left huddling against a freezing rain, asking myself again why I left my arctic gear at home in sunny Arizona. But as you can see, they make the best of the weather here, and don’t let it deter them from enjoying life outdoors. It …Read the Rest

Leave the Sunglasses at Home

We were on our way to the airport for our vacation to Minnesota, just five minutes out of the driveway, when my wife cheerfully reminded me that once again I had left my sunglasses perched above the visor of her truck. I heard much the same thing as we left for San Diego a few weeks ago. Don’t ask me why I always forget things. And don’t ask my wife either, as she’ll be sure to tell you it’s the …Read the Rest

You Girls

When I started this whole blogging thing, I never knew it would lead to this. Oh sure, I figured a few people would read me – you can always count on your Mom to read your crap, and your wife pretty much has to – but I never expected to have a fan club like this. Over the past few weeks, I started to receive some very nice comments on my postings from girls with names like Alicia and Chastity. What’s more, they sent me links …Read the Rest


Here we are, getting ready for that annual journey back to the homeland, the frozen white north, Minnesota. I have to admit, it will be nice to be in a cooler place for a while – it finally got down to 102 today in Tucson. It’s damn hot here.   Of course, all those lakes (10,000 of ’em) means the humidity will be hovering around 97%, never mind the swarms of mosquitos and the patter of goose crap falling all around your picnic site. It beats heat stroke. And …Read the Rest

Mr. Jobs

Dear Steve, I just wanted to thank you for your new invention called the iPad. It has ruined my life. This morning I lost my job when they caught me playing Plants vs. Zombies during a management meeting. On the way home, I had a car accident because I rear-ended some guy as I was playing Labyrinth. When the cop came, he got pissed after he caught me Googling traffic laws while he was talking and I was arrested. I finally got home in …Read the Rest

An Orderly Life

My son has been dating the same girl for some time now, and recently they announced their wedding engagement. She’s a great gal, and I wish them all the best. But recently, we have come to learn a terrible truth about her: today we found out that she has a secret. A secret? So what, you say, everyone has secrets. But sadly, this is a deep dark secret, the kind that might some day require intervention, or even medication. It …Read the Rest

Controlling the Tempest

You girls won’t get this, so you might as well stop reading. Peeing when you’re a girl is easy. Maybe it’s no less messy than standing up to pee, but it’s certainly contained, and far more predictable. When you’re a guy…well, it simply gets away from you sometimes. Asking me to explain why at 2:17 AM a little spray hits the bathroom wall is like asking why a spring thunderstorm takes out a trailer park. Sorry about that ladies, it happens; perhaps you should have taken …Read the Rest

Trash Day

Ever notice how, on the Wednesday following a holiday weekend, when you forget that the garbage man is running a day late and you bring your can(s) down to the curb by accident, everyone else in the neighborhood does the same thing? Does that make me a trendsetter, or does it make everyone on the block a dumbass too? I’m not sure, but I’m not dragging those smelly bastards (meaning the cans) back up the driveway until they’re empty, even if …Read the Rest

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