Mr. Ass

Out of Control

What’s wrong with this picture? After frantically searching for the past fifteen minutes in the junk drawer, the night stand, and the coffee table, I was still unable to find the right remote control to play my vintage copy of Star Wars on laser disc. I’m fairly sure there’s a box out in the shed containing another dozen or so remote controls, one of which will surely fire up my twelve-year old LD player. In the end, I said screw it and watched a rerun of Jaws on AMC. …Read the Rest

Something’s Peekin’

Don’t tell my wife, but today an attractive young woman woman squirted warm lubricant all over me and proceeded to poke and pull on the largest and most impressive part of my body. I’m talking about my stomach, of course. I’ve never had an ultrasound before, but I admit it was kind of cool. For what they charge the insurance company, however, you should at least get a few color photographs out of the deal. Something you can frame maybe, or put on a Christmas card. The saddest …Read the Rest

Top Secret

You’ve all seen those legal disclaimers sitting at the bottom of corporate email signatures lately, the ones that say you’d better not share the important garbage contained within the email or you’ll surely roast in hell. Today I received this beauty, one that raised the bar on stupidity. Of course I won’t share with you who it came from, except to say that a $150,000 education doesn’t guarantee common sense: This message from xxxxx contains information that may be confidential and/or privileged. If you are not …Read the Rest

The Power of Positive Thinking

At work today, shortly after the fourth shouting-match we call a meeting, I realized I was about to pass out from hunger and decided I better eat or I would die. I warmed up my leftover Chinese take-out in the company-sponsored petri dish oven and went back to my desk to choke down it all down before the next meeting. While there, I surfed a little and stumbled across this wonderful advice written by some idiot journalist who, aside from working the drive-through at the Taco Bell while earning her BA, has …Read the Rest

Twigs and Branches

I went to the doctor the other day. I won’t elaborate on the reasons for the visit, but I’ll summarize by saying that after she put her finger in my butt (with very little warning, I might add) and complimented me on the health of my prostate, she suggested I need more fiber in my diet. Not sure how she can tell all that with her finger, but I guess that’s what medical school is for. So I started to check …Read the Rest

The World’s Biggest Doobie

Jake and I rolled a fat one on Saturday. We had a hell of a time getting it lit, but once it got going it lasted the whole weekend.

Beep…Beep…Beep

It was the little dog’s fault. If the mutt hadn’t excitement pee’d on the carpet when I came home from Mexico, my wife wouldn’t have insisted that we place the dog gate in the entrance to the master bathroom to contain the little shit in a tiled area, and the accident would never have happened. But as it was, sometime around two o’clock this morning I heard a thump, scream, and a thud. I jumped out of bed to find the Nordic Warrior Queen lying on the …Read the Rest

The Worst Flight Ever

It was the worst flight ever. Not because of turbulence, nor screaming children, nor bitchy stewardesses. No, it was something much worse: flatulence. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Yesterday morning in Torreon, the nice ticket lady said she could move me out of cramped, no legroom 8A over to wide open, exit row 12B. She even smiled as she told me there would be nobody sitting next to me. Hell yes, I said. You know how much …Read the Rest

Thanks for the Info, Bill

Coming back to the office this morning after ten days in Mexico, I received this error message upon booting my computer. Wow. I was thinking I might need new glasses, but I see now that it’s just a fuzzy display. What a relief.

Stranded

For reasons described elsewhere in Mr. Ass, I try to avoid using the toilet at the plant in Mexico. However, on my last day there, nature called and I had no choice. Lucky for me the cleaning girls had just been through and the bathroom was in decent shape. Better yet, there was a big meeting going on and the stalls were empty. I had the place to myself, and sat down for a leisurely game of Sudoku. Some time later, …Read the Rest