While grocery shopping at the neighborhood Basha’s last week, I ran into an old high school buddy from Minnesota. I’d been seeing him on the Phoenix news for months, ever since he took the job as the meteorologist on the local station. His career didn’t really surprise me – this guy was a total geek in high school. “Hey Dave. How’s it going? It’s been a long time.” “Oh, hey. Wow. How’ve you been. What’s it been, twenty years? Did …Read the Rest
On the flight back to San Diego this week, I got stuck in the middle seat. Again. On my left was a cowboy, about six-foot four and all elbows. He even came equipped with a Stetson hat and cowboy boots. Shitkickers. He’d brought food on board. A Dickey’s BBQ sandwich in one of those little Styrofoam containers. I hate it when people bring food on the plane. To my right was this executive type. He was a mismatched bookend – …Read the Rest
Speaking from an evolutionary standpoint, it makes no sense. Humans are smarter, stronger, more adaptable. We live longer, write novels and poetry, wage war, build tools, sing, dance, pontificate. We can have sex in multiple positions, and have prehensile thumbs to boot, allowing us to do cool things like build kites and card houses. Fix cars. But in the end, dogs can lick their own balls, and we can’t. It hardly seems fair. Why is it that a lowly pack …Read the Rest
Those creepy towel animals are back. It’s been weeks since I saw the last one, but now I know they’re after me. It all started in Dallas. I checked into the hotel after a long flight. I was tired, and looked forward to some rest. But as I slid the key card into the lock, I sensed something was wrong – it was like a presence was there behind the door, waiting for me. Fearing the worst, I slid the …Read the Rest
You’re standing in line at the grocery store, or maybe sitting in a crowded theater, when the urge to pass gas strikes. So what do you do? You could step out of line and head over to the produce section, where your bodily odors will mingle harmlessly with the foul stench of the broccoli. Or you could get up in the middle of the movie you just paid ten bucks to see and head out to the lobby, safely venting …Read the Rest
Sitting around the hospital, waiting to bring your new baby home…it’s tough work. The nurses and doctors rushing about, the weird people wandering slowly down the hallway with their asses hanging out of their robes. And then there’s the waiting room itself: the TV turned up too loud, the uncomfortable chairs, the strangers coughing and sniffing their noses and speaking in languages you can’t understand, never mind those grueling trips to the vending machines to get stale chips and bad …Read the Rest
Times have really changed. During one visit to see our little Kaylie this week, I discovered a new career possibility: did you know there is actually a career with the intriguing and lofty title “Lactation Consultant?” Where do I apply? After all, I’m highly qualified. I already make a living as a consultant, and I really do know an awful lot about boobs. The milking thing seems a little strange to me, but I can figure it out, I’m sure. …Read the Rest
My daughter’s been at the hospital since Saturday morning, busy making a baby. It was a lot of work, and as usual, she tackled the job and got it done right. She was accompanied by some excellent company, including the Nordic Warrior Queen, the Homeless Lady, a plethora of friends and various family, as well as the Catsitter, whom I hold personally responsible for the entire situation in the first place. Sadly, I missed it, and didn’t arrive here until the excitement was …Read the Rest
Baby-making is messy work. I’m not speaking of the conception end of things (although that can get pretty messy as well) but to the actual birth process itself. Wow. There’s something about being on the maternity floor that makes a guy feel…well, guilty. Sitting in the waiting area and listening to those nurses talking about things like cervix softeners, pucker strings, vaginal balloons, and mucus plugs. Yuck. Speaking on behalf of all fathers everywhere, I’m sorry you girls have to deal with all this stuff. …Read the Rest
Text conversation between me and my daughter: Mr. Ass: I’m going to slit my wrists now Jamie: WTF? Mr. Ass: They’ll find me in the lavatory, all bled out Jamie: What r u talkin about? Mr. Ass: Stuck on the runway in Dallas. There’s a plane at our gate. Mr. Ass: Forty minutes now Jamie: U still havent landed yet?? Jamie: Jesus Mr. Ass: Well, technically we’ve landed, just haven’t got off the plane yet Jamie: Whatev Mr. Ass: The guy next …Read the Rest