There’s this thing with my ear. For the past two weeks, the whole side of my face…it just hurts. I thought about seeing a dentist, but why would my face hurt from a bad tooth? The Nordic Warrior Queen said I’m just fishing for sympathy so I can get lucky. Then she laid out the whole giving birth, crapping out a watermelon story for the hundredth time, reiterating her belief that all men are babies. I attempted the “you try …Read the Rest
So I couldn’t wait. I replaced that Chinese piece of crap with a new toilet handle from Home Depot. But it didn’t work. And for the past week, the Nordic Warrior Queen has been getting wet-bottomed at all hours of the night. And I’m to blame, all because I tried to fix it. I had no choice. Yesterday I called the front office and asked to speak to the Mexican guy who fixed my toilet last week. There was a …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen said I’m getting…well, a little husky. What? “I didn’t say you were fat, dear.” Sure she didn’t. I know what it means. When I was a kid, there were three types of Wrangler jeans – Slim, Regular, and Husky. All the fat kids wore the ones labeled Husky, including Scotty Wilson, who was regularly hung from the jungle gym by his underwear at recess. I can still remember the sound of the elastic tearing, and the …Read the Rest
I’d finally managed to fall asleep when…click click click…click click…click click click click click. That’s the sound of a drunk trying to get into a Houston hotel room at 11:37 at night. Some idiot had mistaken my room for his. Worse, he was a persistent idiot: he wouldn’t stop. Click click…click. As I lay there considering the decline of mankind, I decided this fool must be punished for his rude behavior. But how? I could hit him with a lethal …Read the Rest
Charles Darwin is rolling in his grave. Look at that mutt – if this is the end result of millions of years of canine evolution, it’s time to start over. Wipe the slate clean, I say. Dogs are supposed to evolve into faster, smarter creatures, more able to adapt and reproduce. This breed is running in reverse. It wouldn’t make it one night in a neighborhood park. They need Cesareans to give birth. I suppose it might have some value as a …Read the Rest
I Googled most of this so don’t blame me if it’s wrong. In December 1907, West Virginia saw the United States’ worst mining disaster ever. The official count was 362 workers killed, many of them children. The following July, Mrs. Grace Clayton organized a memorial for the Monongha Mining Disaster, which she labeled as Father’s Day. But apparently nobody liked the idea and it was never celebrated again (not officially, anyway). Two years later, Mrs. Sarah Dodd invented her own …Read the Rest
As it turns out, it wasn’t the toilet repairman at the door. It was the UPS driver, delivering a non-descript brown paper package for the sister-wife. I didn’t ask what it was. So this meant the toilet remained in disrepair, and I was faced with another night of wet bottom complaints and blood-curdling screams from the Nordic Warrior Queen, a fact of which she reminded me shortly before climbing into bed. Now I’m not a mechanical guy, but I looked …Read the Rest
A few days ago we had the toilet fixed. The little whatchamajig on the left-hand side of the tank was leaking, and the tank was overflowing into the…well, the overflow pipe. Whatever you call it. It was running all the time. I don’t blame it. After all, everyone starts to leak a little as they get older. Anyway, she made me call down to the front office and they sent this big Mexican guy to fix it. I said “el …Read the Rest
It turns out the Nordic Warrior Queen has a sister. It’s true. All these years I’ve been wondering who that person was at the family gatherings. Anyway, I guess she was getting tired of the frozen north, so my wife told her she could come stay with us for a while. Agreeable fellow that I am, I agreed. But when we picked her up at the airport, I discovered her concept of “a while” is slightly different than mine. She …Read the Rest
I just don’t understand the human digestive system. According to Dr. Oz – I think the Nordic Warrior Queen has the hots for the quack – it takes 2-3 days for a steak dinner to pass through your body. What a load of crap. How is it that some foods exit the south end five minutes after entering the north end? It’s not a very efficient system. As an example, why does corn come out looking the same as when …Read the Rest