Text conversation between me and my daughter:
Mr. Ass: I’m going to slit my wrists now
Jamie: WTF?
Mr. Ass: They’ll find me in the lavatory, all bled out
Jamie: What r u talkin about?
Mr. Ass: Stuck on the runway in Dallas. There’s a plane at our gate.
Mr. Ass: Forty minutes now
Jamie: U still havent landed yet??
Jamie: Jesus
Mr. Ass: Well, technically we’ve landed, just haven’t got off the plane yet
Jamie: Whatev
Mr. Ass: The guy next to me had three Bloody Marys on the flight.
Mr. Ass: Now he his headphones on, and is singing “until the next…teardrop faaaaalllls”
Mr. Ass: But those are the only words he knows
Jamie: Lol
Mr. Ass: And the little girl two seats up is screaming because her three hundred pound, four foot three mother won’t let her move and keeps smacking her in the head
Mr. Ass: There’s a family of four Mexicans sitting right next to me
Jamie: Wow…..
Mr. Ass: I can’t understand what they’re saying. Sounds like they’re making plans for a family reunion or something. All I can pick up is PINATA and FIESTA
Mr. Ass: Now the drunk guy’s singing a Karen Carpenter song
Mr. Ass: Man, he’s really belting it out
Jamie: Tell him to quit it then!
Mr. Ass: WEEEEE’VE only just BEGUUUUUUUUNNN….to LIIIIIIVVVE
Mr. Ass: He’s got fifty pounds on me
Mr. Ass: And goes maybe six-two
Mr Ass: I’m afraid
Jamie: Ok, well dont u have ur iPod?
Mr. Ass: They keep saying just a couple minutes
Mr. Ass: Jesus Christ, some old guy just dropped a load in the lavatory, two feet behind me. I want to die.
Mr. Ass: Where’s a terrorist when you need one?
Jamie: Nice, Dad
Mr. Ass: TAKE ME TO GATE A5 NOW, OR I KEEEEL EVERYONE ON THE PLANE!
Jamie: LOL
Mr. Ass: Right now I’d welcome a bomb on the plane, then we could all get out. I’d push this fat ass next to me out the hole first.
Mr. Ass: Wait…WOOHOO, we’re moving! Goodnight, daughter.
Jamie: G’nite, Dad. Enjoy Dallas.