Category Archives: Random Thoughts


I just finished reading Nicholas Evan’s “The Horse Whisperer.” And even though I didn’t much enjoy his writing style, big chunks of it came through splendidly and I recommend the book. The ending was unexpected, but fitting (I won’t reveal it here). I offered it to my wife, but she has a big stack of Danielle Steele to get through (good luck with that, dear). I don’t know if horse whispering is real, but apparently dog whispering is, because that bearded queer is on TV taming …Read the Rest

Better Living Through Chemistry

Well, there goes the atmosphere. Some yahoo spilled 1000 gallons of liquid chlorine on the road last night. I had to detour in order to get home to my family. And when I came to work this morning, the cops were still there, watching over the poor saps who were assigned to clean up the mess. Nasty stuff. Some enterprising German first came up with the idea of using it to gas enemy troops during World War I, thus inventing chemical weapons. It probably would …Read the Rest

Too Much Crap

Americans love pickup trucks. When I get visitors from Germany (I work for a German company) we sometimes go out for a beer or dinner after work and the Germans always think it’s funny how Americans need such big trucks. I guess it’s because Americans have a lot of crap. And sometimes we have to haul all that crap around town, or go out and buy new crap (like last weekend when we went futon shopping), or sometimes we have …Read the Rest

Ford's Cracked

I’ve always tried to buy American. Except for a brief flirtation with a Mitsubishi Montero back in the early 80s (it died three months shy of the final payment), all of my cars have been American-made, even after the engine on my 1971 AMC Matador burst into flames and melted the accelerator cable into the 2/3 full position, nearly killing me and my future wife before we’d even had a chance to reproduce (see “The Towing”). But when the US …Read the Rest

The King

This guy is truly creepy. I used to work for him, way back in the day, thirty-something years ago. He’s been around for roughly twice that long, peddling burgers since 1953 when he started as Insta-Burger King in Jacksonville, Florida (the largest city, area-wise, in the continental United States). Back in the day, I worked graveyard shift, seven to one weeknights, which likely did nothing to help my struggling grades during 11th grade. I went to work every day wearing that stupid brown and orange …Read the Rest

Where’s a Cop When You Need One

Sometimes I drive like an asshole. I follow too closely, impatient with the speed of the old-farts visiting Arizona from Bemidji or Des Moines or even frigging Vancouver. You would think the older we get, the faster we would drive, knowing there’s not much time left. And once in a while I forget to use my blinker, or roll through a stop sign, and I certainly drive too fast for the weather conditions here; I am from Minnesota after all, and am used …Read the Rest

Damn Clowns

Rebo, Coco, Buffo, Doodles, Blinko, Bozo, or Ronald fucking McDonald, I don’t care, I hate them all. They’re just damn creepy. They never used to bother me, even when I was a kid living in a dark scary basement, terrified of the shit my brother used to pull on me – grabbing at my feet from under the bed, hiding in the closet and waiting until I was asleep to pounce on me, donning a skimask and leaping out Jason-like from around the …Read the Rest

Why Birds Suck

They talk, they laugh, they sing, they never shut up. Mine can hover in the air, like a helicopter, and then crap on your head. They can crack walnuts with their beaks, and break fingers, and remote controls, and your cell phone, and anything of value you put within reach. Bird poop doesn’t stink too much, and they won’t pee on you, but they do shit on the floor right in the exact place where you walk. If you are in …Read the Rest

I Hate Easter

The jelly beans, the fake green grass that finds its way into every corner and crevice of the house and clogs the vacuum cleaner with its unmanageable plastic strings, the milk chocolate balls that months later are still rolling out from under the couch, the fearsome six foot Easter Bunny at the shopping mall and the specter of his long white predatory teeth (you can see I was bitten by a rabbit as a child), the annual hiding and subsequent …Read the Rest

March 17

My daughter was fifteen years old when she bravely stood at my sister’s funeral and offered the following eulogy. This was just less than ten years ago, when we still lived back in Minnesota. My sister’s passing was like the first rock in the avalanche that finally brought us to Arizona. It’s funny where life takes you. I tried to find a picture of Kat, but I’m sad and somewhat ashamed to say I have none, except for the framed 8×10 of her at …Read the Rest

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