Charles Darwin is rolling in his grave. Look at that mutt – if this is the end result of millions of years of canine evolution, it’s time to start over. Wipe the slate clean, I say. Dogs are supposed to evolve into faster, smarter creatures, more able to adapt and reproduce. This breed is running in reverse. It wouldn’t make it one night in a neighborhood park. They need Cesareans to give birth. I suppose it might have some value as a …Read the Rest
As it turns out, it wasn’t the toilet repairman at the door. It was the UPS driver, delivering a non-descript brown paper package for the sister-wife. I didn’t ask what it was. So this meant the toilet remained in disrepair, and I was faced with another night of wet bottom complaints and blood-curdling screams from the Nordic Warrior Queen, a fact of which she reminded me shortly before climbing into bed. Now I’m not a mechanical guy, but I looked …Read the Rest
A few days ago we had the toilet fixed. The little whatchamajig on the left-hand side of the tank was leaking, and the tank was overflowing into the…well, the overflow pipe. Whatever you call it. It was running all the time. I don’t blame it. After all, everyone starts to leak a little as they get older. Anyway, she made me call down to the front office and they sent this big Mexican guy to fix it. I said “el …Read the Rest
It turns out the Nordic Warrior Queen has a sister. It’s true. All these years I’ve been wondering who that person was at the family gatherings. Anyway, I guess she was getting tired of the frozen north, so my wife told her she could come stay with us for a while. Agreeable fellow that I am, I agreed. But when we picked her up at the airport, I discovered her concept of “a while” is slightly different than mine. She …Read the Rest
While grocery shopping at the neighborhood Basha’s last week, I ran into an old high school buddy from Minnesota. I’d been seeing him on the Phoenix news for months, ever since he took the job as the meteorologist on the local station. His career didn’t really surprise me – this guy was a total geek in high school. “Hey Dave. How’s it going? It’s been a long time.” “Oh, hey. Wow. How’ve you been. What’s it been, twenty years? Did …Read the Rest
I was cold last night. In fact, I haven’t been this cold since I slept on that block of ice called an Aerobed the last time I was in Minnesota. But the Nordic Warrior Queen was toasty warm. I’m glad for that, at least. If you take a look at the pictures up above, you’ll understand why. She’s the one with all the covers. They weren’t that way when we went to bed, I’m pretty sure of that. And according to her, …Read the Rest
When the Tamale Man jumped out of his car, I knew there would be trouble. After all, this was his spot: he’d been working this street corner for years. The black spray-painted letters on the flaking plywood sign reading TAMALES FOR SALE were by now faded to a nearly uniform gray. The huge Rubbermaid cooler sitting in the trunk of his beat up late-model sedan was cracked and sun-bleached. He was the king of tamales, and he’d earned his right …Read the Rest
I have no respect for them. I abuse them, step on them, kick them across the room, drag them through shit and dirt and mud and water, tear them off still laced, and at the end, throw them away without even a thank you or proper burial. Sometimes I even abandon them at the store, like lost children. Women do a much better job of appreciating their shoes. My soon to be daughter-in-law Cassandra is one of these. While I …Read the Rest
We were shopping at Basha’s when the Nordic Warrior Queen said she wanted some coffee. So of course, being the loving, caring, supportive husband that I am, I offered to go. I figured she wanted one of those little courtesy cups the store puts out for the old farts. But no. Her order? A tall half-caff, lowfat, white chocolate mocha. What, I thought you wanted coffee? I made her repeat it, three times, then I put it in my phone. I knew I’d forget it the …Read the Rest
I was lying in bed this morning, drinking coffee and watching the morning news. They had a segment about reality TV star and polygamist Kody Brown, together with his four wives. Thinking about it, I started to grin. That lucky bastard. That’s when the Nordic Warrior Queen saw me smiling and backhanded me, spilling my coffee. Just think about it. Four women at your beck and call. What a life. With all those women around, this guy never has to vacuum the …Read the Rest