A few days ago we had the toilet fixed. The little whatchamajig on the left-hand side of the tank was leaking, and the tank was overflowing into the…well, the overflow pipe. Whatever you call it. It was running all the time.
I don’t blame it. After all, everyone starts to leak a little as they get older. Anyway, she made me call down to the front office and they sent this big Mexican guy to fix it. I said “el tankee esta rompiando.” For all you Northerners, that means the toilet is broken. He looked at me and smiled, then said in perfect English he’d get it fixed right up.
He was very professional, and efficient. I envied his tool belt. He had that toilet repaired in five minutes flat. It was like watching the pit crew change the tire on a race car at the Indianapolis 500.
Here’s the problem though. Around three o’clock this morning, I heard a scream. It was the Nordic Warrior Queen, and she was shouting some very unladylike language. I figured I might have left the toilet seat up again. In thirty years of marriage, it’s happened once or twice, I’m sorry.
As it turns out, however, the toilet flushed while she was sitting on it. All by itself, like a potty poltergeist. It scared the hell out of her, not to mention getting her butt wet. Annoying. There’s nothing worse than a wet ass in the wee hours of the morning.
I’ve experienced much the same thing in airport restrooms – you lean forward a bit to get comfortable and the little electronic surveillance camera behind you thinks you’re done, so it flushes the toilet on you. Jesus.
This isn’t a little splash of cold water I’m talking about. Those airport toilets flush with the fury of a hurricane season whirlpool in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. One minute you’re sitting there playing Sudoku and the next thing you know, your boys are getting a golden shower on the bidet from Hell.
Sometimes life’s not fair. I think God must be a comedian, and he’s always looking for the next punchline. Anyway, I have to go. The doorbell just rang – must be the toilet repairman again.