I heard her hollering from the other room this morning, something about toilet paper, and I figured she was going on about the roll being on backwards again. But no, that couldn’t be it, because ever since the argument (which I won, by the way) I’ve decided not to even play that game, and have simply refused to even load a roll on the holder in the first place. I think the back of the toilet is a fine place to keep the TP. …Read the Rest
Normally, I’m not very fussy about haircuts, and will just go to wherever the coupon in my pocket tells me to go. But after yesterday, I’m rethinking the whole haircut thing. I stopped at the local barbershop, which will remain forever unnamed – you will understand why shortly. I put my name on the list and sat down to wait, and five minutes later a strange voice called my name. “You are Meester Kip, yah?” A tall muscular woman with …Read the Rest
There’s something that’s been bothering me for a few days and I have to get it off my chest. It’s tough to admit when you’re in the wrong. And even though there’s nothing I can do to change the past, maybe if I admit it publicly, I’ll feel better about the whole thing. Yes, I used the handicapped stall in a public restroom. There, I said it. I’m very sorry. And even though I felt bad about it at the …Read the Rest
By 9:30 last night, my stomach aching from too many beers and Halloween candy I should never have ate, I finally shut off the lights. If there were any of those costumed little bastards still out there, well they could just keep on walking. I was going to bed. My driveway was splattered with pumpkin remains and a small river of Snickers-colored puke, left there after Darth Vader blew several pounds of candy bars, popcorn balls, and sour skittles out …Read the Rest
Florida’s a nice place. As an Arizonan, used to dry, harsh conditions, I am amazed at the abundance of life here. The lush green landscape seemingly swarms with birds, bugs, bobcats, and bears. The amount and variety of life here is freakish in comparison with my arid home. Shortly after my arrival, the 9:00 news reported on an alligator that ate some woman’s yipping pug dog. Unsatisfied with the appetizer, he then proceeded to knock on the woman’s kitchen door, looking …Read the Rest
At the Swap Meet, you can find most anything you need. There is rubber dog poop to hide in your sister’s bed or silicone buttocks to augment a flat, droopy ass. If you’re short on roughage, there are shiny heaps of produce at each entrance, tended by suntanned older women in straw hats and sweatstained t-shirts. For the health-conscious among us, you can find protein-shakes, organic garbanzo beans, Acai tea, and even E-cigarettes. Or if you need a new companion, you can buy a bowl of goldfish, a pair of Ringneck Parakeets, or choose from a …Read the Rest
I was out shopping the other day and couldn’t help but notice this young man’s tattoo. Despite his misshapen and exceedingly hairy elbow, I was flattered to see my name permanently imprinted on his skin, even though it’s kind of a weird place for it. But it’s good to finally have a real fan club after nearly two-hundred Mr. Ass blog posts, unlike those girls that were stalking me last June. I thought they’d never stop emailing me.
I went to visit my Mom yesterday. I flew on a brand new Boeing 737. Somewhat disconcertingly, it had that “new car smell” all of us like so much; kind of weird to be smelling it in an airplane. The pilot came on shortly after takeoff to brag that it was the plane’s third “revenue” flight, which I assume meant the plane had been flown once around the factory right after the last piece was bolted on, just to make sure everything …Read the Rest
A few weeks ago, I logged onto Facebook and received one of those annoying messages, alerting me that old so-and-so, a person I haven’t seen for years, was now on Facebook and maybe I would like to be his friend. So, being the nice guy that I am, I sent him a Friend invitation. Why not, it’s good to have friends, right? Well, last night, three weeks after I asked this guy to be my Friend, he finally, grudgingly accepted. …Read the Rest
I received this email today. What a lucky break, I guess I can retire early now: Greetings, We wish to notify you again that you were listed as a Heir to the total sum of (Three Million Six Hundred Thousand British Pounds) in the codicil and last testament of our deceased client. Name now withheld since this is our second letter to you. We are reaching you the second time because her instruction stipulates that this fund should be paid …Read the Rest