Mr. Ass

The Voices of Hate

While surfing the news this morning, I ran across the alarming headline “God hates Elizabeth Edwards.” Wow. What an inspiring start to the day. As it turns out, those same “citizens” who protest at the funerals of our fallen soldiers are planning to march on Elizabeth Edwards’ memorial services this Saturday. I guess she said some blasphemous things after her son was killed in a car accident, and these folks took offense. It gets worse. After some investigation, I found …Read the Rest

Rude Behavior

I knew the Homeless Lady was a bit pissed off at me about the disclosure of the Brussells Sprouts affair, but this is just rude behavior where I come from. After all, I was only being honest.

The Shopping List

The Nordic Warrior Queen asked me to take her shopping the other day. “I just need a few things,” she said. It wasn’t until we were in the car and safely on our way to Wal-Mart that she showed me her list. Crap. It’s nearing Christmas, of course, so in addition to all the usual weekly items, there were all the gifts and holiday supplies we forgot to buy. I don’t understand it. This woman prides herself on having all of …Read the Rest

The Whirlpool

I’m good with machines. Short of a nuclear reactor or an F-16 fighter jet, I’ll tackle most anything electromechanical. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it, especially when it comes to ordinary machines like those found around the house. Garbage disposals, table saws, garage door openers, carpet shampooers, power sprayers, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, I’m master of them all. And yet, aside from chasing the dog with the vacuum cleaner, I don’t get much joy out of everyday …Read the Rest

The Brussels Sprouts Affair

You should know by now that I’m not a big vegetable fan. Sure, I’ll eat cauliflower if there’s some Ranch Dip nearby, or celery if it’s spread with enough cream cheese. And carrots are okay if you sauté them first with brown sugar and butter. Barely. But that’s about the extent of it. This occasionally causes some problems. For example, the Nordic Warrior Queen has this weird “Rule of Threes,” meaning every meal must contain three food groups – one …Read the Rest

Third Down and Two

Just in time for the tired dregs of the 2010 football season, I managed to sneak in a new poem over at Every Day Poets: http://www.everydaypoets.com/third-down-and-two-by-kip/

Eat This, Not That

My wife’s dieting, but I’m not supposed to tell anyone that. And while she’s grazing on low-sodium, fat-free, sugar-free, organic foods, eating enough fruits and vegetables for a petting zoo, measuring, weighing, and timing her meals to atomic precison, consuming no beer, wine, or booze of any kind, a complete frigging teetotaler, I have to fend for myself. So I stocked up on some quick and easy meals. You know, the crap with 7 layers of packaging and enough preservatives …Read the Rest

Child Safety

I’m all for keeping kids safe, but sometimes I think we’ve taken things too far. When I was growing up, life was a free-for-all. We didn’t have childproof cabinet latches, table corner protectors, electrical outlet covers, safety gates, bike helmets, knee and elbow pads, anti-tip furniture straps, and rubber playground surfaces. Most of the time, even adult supervision was largely nonexistent. About the only requirement in a parent’s safety arsenal back then were training wheels, and that’s if the hand-me-downs from your brother’s bike …Read the Rest

Oh, My Aching Head

The alarm clock said 1:13 AM and my head was aching. It might have been one too many beers sitting by the campfire last night, or too much Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Either way, I needed some Advil. Considerate husband that I am, I left the room dark, somehow managing to avoid stubbing my toe as I worked my way over to the closet where we keep the basket of cold and flu medication. You know what I’m talking about, the …Read the Rest

Everyone Loves a Parade

I hate parades. All that happy singing and dancing, the decorated floats, endless chorus lines kicking their legs up in the air and noisy marching bands going boom boom boom, cheering crowds and homemade ‘Hi Mom!’ signs. It’s enough to drive one to the liquor cabinet before noon. Some might argue there’s something wrong with me: who wouldn’t like all this cheerful stuff? Certainly the Nordic Warrior Queen thinks I should. She has her traditions. Every holiday like clockwork, on come the …Read the Rest