Many years ago, the Nordic Warrior Queen and I had the notion to take up a sport. This would have been some time shortly after the second Rocky movie; maybe it was all that sweaty running, punching, and weight lifting that got us motivated to do something extra with these frail machines we call the human body. Despite our being fans of Sylvester Stallone, boxing didn’t seem to be our thing. There was too much pain involved, not to mention …Read the Rest
Tired and poorer from our shopping trip, we proudly laid out our sushi supplies on the counter. And so the trouble began: now that we’d bought all this crap, what were we supposed to do with it? I’d already lied to the Nordic Warrior Queen, assuring her with false bravado that, sure, I could make sushi. No problem. As the shrimp boat captain might say, I was in deep mango. So while she put away the rest of the groceries, …Read the Rest
I try to eat healthy. Really. But since I travel for work, I am frequently faced with eating restaurant food, which we all know is high in calories, low in fiber, and is generally loaded with saturated fat, sodium, and carbohydrates. Whatever. So I try to avoid deep-fried food (unless the restaurant specializes in Fish and Chips), and I stay away from processed meats (yet I admit to a fondness for sandwiches made with Italian salami, Capicola, or pepperoni). And what’s wrong …Read the Rest
I’m taking off my ten-gallon hat to Texans and their efficiency. When a loved one here dies, there’s no need to visit one of those stuffy, depressing mortuaries to make your final arrangements. Just stop on by the Casket Store, offering in-stock closeouts, Tombstone Tuesdays, and two-for-one Senior Specials for those elderly couples trying to look ahead. The Casket Store is the specialist in getting your loved one planted and pushing up daisies, quickly and economically, so you can get back your life back on track with a minimum …Read the Rest
In Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Galapagos, one-million years of evolution will not give mankind better teeth. On the contrary, future humans will live only thirty years or so, roughly the same lifespan as their “mouthfuls of rotting crockery.” But at least they’re happy, swimming in the ocean and catching fish all day. And they never have to visit the dentist. That’s because, in one-million years, there won’t be any dentists. Oh happy day. It was with these thoughts circling round my pain-wracked …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I had a problem. One day she complained to me (quite vehemently, I might add) that when we go out to eat, I always get to pick the restaurant. That, and my choice of restaurant is generally predicated on the beer selection at said restaurant. She implied that I might have a priority problem. Of course I denied all this. Ridiculous. However, being a considerate person, I assured her that I’ll do whatever makes her …Read the Rest
Squeak, squeak, squeak. That’s the sound of the wheel on a busted suitcase being dragged through the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport with half the human race watching. The week before, the Nordic Warrior Queen warned me it was time for a new suitcase. I scoffed. No need for a new suitcase, I assured her. There’s plenty of life in that old boy. I might have actually said, “old boy.” It’s tough to give up a friend, a fellow traveler who’s …Read the Rest
I was boarding the plane to Tulsa. I was late getting to the gate, but since I carry Elite Status, I was able to push my way through the mass of casual travelers, ignoring their scornful looks, and make my way to the front of the line. Screw all you casual travelers. After hundreds of flights, I’ve earned it. Hahahahaaaha. The ticket lady looked down at my bulging suitcase. “Would you like a gate check ticket for your bag, sir?” …Read the Rest
It’s been over three weeks, and I still can’t explain it. But ever since those two nights in the hotel, I’ve had a hard time sleeping. I double-check the locks before going to bed. I can’t close my eyes without first shutting the closet door. And if I have to get up in the middle of the night, I can’t help myself: I have to take a giant step when I climb out of bed, just in case there are …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I have been getting these little holes in our shirts, centered in the front, right around the belly button area. The problem has decimated our t-shirt collection, and naturally, has been driving my wife crazy. So she asked me to Google it, to see if the rest of the world is suffering from this strange phenomenon. As it turns out, they are. Among the causes cited were moth larvae, carpet beetles, and those nasty little …Read the Rest