As we came over the top of that hill, we both knew we were goners. In hindsight, the decision to tow my brother Kirby’s ’73 Power-Wagon – baby blue and affectionately known as the Ice Cream Truck – may have been a poor one. It wasn’t so much the decision itself that was wrong – after all, he was in trouble and I, as his brother, was there to help – but rather it was the method we used to accomplish …Read the Rest
I was lying in bed this morning, drinking coffee and watching the morning news. They had a segment about reality TV star and polygamist Kody Brown, together with his four wives. Thinking about it, I started to grin. That lucky bastard. That’s when the Nordic Warrior Queen saw me smiling and backhanded me, spilling my coffee. Just think about it. Four women at your beck and call. What a life. With all those women around, this guy never has to vacuum the …Read the Rest
Twenty-six years ago, I was watching Dynasty on one of those cheap hospital TV sets. There was nothing else on. Blake Carrington was putting the wood to young Kristie Jennings, his ex-secretary, while Carrington’s ex-wife was busy plotting his new wife’s murder at the same time his son was banging some guy from school but was really interested in trying out some straight sex with the estranged but crazy wife of Kristie’s ex-husband, who was trying to screw over Carrington’s …Read the Rest
Here’s another thing about my trip to Minnesota: despite my nervous contemplation of a terrible death by the Übercat, not to mention my constant worry over where I could get my shirts ironed (Judy-wan-Kenobi was not home), of course I had to sleep there. I’m only human, after all. I could avoid this no more than I could push aside the basic urge the write my name in one of those monster snowbanks after a six-pack of Leinenkugel Special Reserve. So …Read the Rest
I grew up in Minnesota, so I’ve always known that the Land of Ten-Thousand Lakes is home to some terrifying creatures – Black Bears and Mountain Lions, howling Timberwolves, fierce weasels and badgers and wolverines, never mind the herbivorous – yet still dangerous – great galumphing moose. Yes, Minnesota can be a scary place. I’ve been bitten by Canadian geese, nipped in the toes by huge man-eating catfish, and stung by buzzing honeybees, so I knew what to expect when I …Read the Rest
Driving up from Tucson to Phoenix this morning, I became a firm believer in Darwin’s Law. I’m referring to the survival of the fittest, and I think this principle should be applied ruthlessly when talking about this world’s motor vehicle operators. What makes grandma think that she can drive her sprawling, late-model baby blue Cadillac Eldorado at thirty-five miles per hour in a sixty-five mile per hour zone without running the risk of never again seeing her coiffed and beribboned Shih-Tzu, or playing …Read the Rest
I’m challenged by this whole ironing thing. What a pain in the ass. I suppose ironing pants isn’t too bad – up one side, flip, and then down the other side; unless you’re a total imbecile, you’ll end up with a passable crease. Even a monkey could iron a pair of pants. But shirts? No way. I can manage to smooth out that vast field of fabric across the back of the shirt, and maybe do the collar, but the …Read the Rest
Seatbelt warning chimes. I hate them. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I don’t need to be told by some damned computer to put on my frigging seatbelt. When I was a kid, the world wasn’t so safety conscious. Kids were allowed to roll around in the back seat, occasionally bashing into the window when Mom made a wicked turn, or smacking their heads on an unexpected stop. But that was okay. That’s how the world worked back then. It …Read the Rest
I’m fairly sure one of those evil drug companies offer some sort of medication for this. And even though I’m against all forms of medication (except for those which are self-prescribed), I admit he might need some medical help. I’m talking about my son. Maybe this is a spillover from his fiancé’s clothes-hanger-organizing obsessive compulsive disorder, or maybe he’s quietly rebelling at the prospect of his mother not doing his laundry; whatever the reason, I’ve come to learn the …Read the Rest
There’s something really weird going on around here. It’s like this. Lately, I’ve been finding empty boxes everywhere – in the refrigerator, the pantry, the cupboards and freezer. Those boxes once contained a food product, but now they’re empty. As I said: weird. I know there are people in this world that will take the last cracker and put the empty box back on the shelf. Who will dare to take the last soda from the 12-pack and leave the …Read the Rest