I’d finally managed to fall asleep when…click click click…click click…click click click click click. That’s the sound of a drunk trying to get into a Houston hotel room at 11:37 at night. Some idiot had mistaken my room for his. Worse, he was a persistent idiot: he wouldn’t stop. Click click…click. As I lay there considering the decline of mankind, I decided this fool must be punished for his rude behavior. But how? I could hit him with a lethal …Read the Rest
On the flight back to San Diego this week, I got stuck in the middle seat. Again. On my left was a cowboy, about six-foot four and all elbows. He even came equipped with a Stetson hat and cowboy boots. Shitkickers. He’d brought food on board. A Dickey’s BBQ sandwich in one of those little Styrofoam containers. I hate it when people bring food on the plane. To my right was this executive type. He was a mismatched bookend – …Read the Rest
Those creepy towel animals are back. It’s been weeks since I saw the last one, but now I know they’re after me. It all started in Dallas. I checked into the hotel after a long flight. I was tired, and looked forward to some rest. But as I slid the key card into the lock, I sensed something was wrong – it was like a presence was there behind the door, waiting for me. Fearing the worst, I slid the …Read the Rest
Text conversation between me and my daughter: Mr. Ass: I’m going to slit my wrists now Jamie: WTF? Mr. Ass: They’ll find me in the lavatory, all bled out Jamie: What r u talkin about? Mr. Ass: Stuck on the runway in Dallas. There’s a plane at our gate. Mr. Ass: Forty minutes now Jamie: U still havent landed yet?? Jamie: Jesus Mr. Ass: Well, technically we’ve landed, just haven’t got off the plane yet Jamie: Whatev Mr. Ass: The guy next …Read the Rest
I really had to pee. I was on a two-hour layover at Denver International Airport, but now after three beers my plane was finally boarding and I had to pee. Really. What’s worse, I knew the plane was full. I was stuck with a window seat, and there were thunderstorms rolling in; it was certain the pilot wouldn’t turn off the seat belt sign until somewhere over Kansas. By that time, I knew I would have peed myself. I had but one …Read the Rest
Sometimes my feet itch. It’s because I have to wear shoes all day, at this thing called a job. It sucks. I’d rather be doing something else, but the Nordic Warrior Queen says I have to work, so off I go. I’ve tried everything to stop the itch – sprays, ointments, powders, new shoes, expensive liners – but nothing works. By the end of the day, my feet itch so bad I’m going crazy, and people look at me funny like …Read the Rest
We were in San Diego this weekend and my grandson Matthew wanted to go trout fishing. Naturally, my son-in-law (being a famous shrimp boat captain) made the arrangements. And as Matt’s grandfather, I was told to accompany them. I agreed to go in a purely supervisory role: I’m no fisherman. But then the Captain said we had to leave at five o’clock in the morning. What? I argued that this was much too early. Wouldn’t the fish be sleeping? Besides, it …Read the Rest
I was working in Dallas, on the last day of a four-day stint and having a beer at the local Chili’s to celebrate, when I noticed this little old lady, looking crafty. She was sitting at a hightop nursing an Arnold Palmer, a half-finished tuna and rye before her, when I saw her make her move. She abruptly stood, touched her forehead with a little “oooooh,” and dropped to the ground. Faker. The waitress screamed. The busboy dropped his load. The …Read the Rest
I was a little drunk when I got on, so I can’t really blame her. She was just doing her job. It started like this: I was taking a flight to Dallas last week but the plane was delayed. And what is there to do when your plane is delayed but have a few beers in the airport bar? Besides, the airline gave us drink coupons. By the time the plane arrived, I was more than ready. I wandered down …Read the Rest
Over the next two months, my daughter is having a baby, my son is graduating college and getting married (and hopefully, a job), and the Nordic Warrior Queen and I are moving to Phoenix. All of this implies a great deal of travel, visits by family, moving trucks, and general mayhem. As such, my wife was planning ahead (as usual) and decided she’d better get her cute little circus dog current on vaccinations, knowing that the mutt would at some point be sent …Read the Rest