Times have really changed. During one visit to see our little Kaylie this week, I discovered a new career possibility: did you know there is actually a career with the intriguing and lofty title “Lactation Consultant?”

Where do I apply?

After all, I’m highly qualified. I already make a living as a consultant, and I really do know an awful lot about boobs. The milking thing seems a little strange to me, but I can figure it out, I’m sure.

I’m also good with equipment, so know I can operate one of those dairy-quality pumping machines for the reluctant milkers. For mothers on the go, there’s even a backpack version available.

And the cool accessories they have: there are ointments and gels, pads and pillows, herbs and dietary supplements, special quick-draw clothing and drop-down bras, nipple-butter (I can’t even go there), booby tubes (nope, not going there either), wearable feeding reminders, hot and cold packs, you name it.

While at the hospital, I heard the term “nipple shield” so often that I had to Google it – now I wish I’d had Safe Search turned on first: there are some naughty girls out there.

But whatever the Lactation Consultant did, it worked. My daughter now has enough milk to feed a Little League team. The girl sneezed this afternoon and a fountain of milk sprayed forth with the unbridled fury of a fire hose. I had to get a mop. The Captain came home and looked at all the bottles lined up in the refrigerator, then mentioned starting an online frozen breast milk yogurt store.

It must be good stuff, because Kaylie is thriving. And the best part is, I won’t need to buy any half-and-half for the Au-Gratin potatoes this Sunday. That stuff’s really expensive.

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