A New Life
I had a short piece accepted over at Every Day Fiction http://www.everydayfiction.com/a-new-life-by-kip/ I was even paid for it, but I have to give half of it to the Nordic Warrior Queen. I hope she spends her $1.50 wisely.
Aarrr, I’m a Pirate
Damn it, I missed it again! Of course: yesterday was International Talk like a Pirate Day, and shiver me timbers, I forgot. Just think: I could have driven my wife crazy for an entire day by replying to everything she said with “Aarrr” or “Avast, me proud beauty” and my favorite “Prepare to be boarded, wench.” Of course, she might argue that I drive her crazy anyway, even without the pirate lingo, but what does she know, she’s just a …Read the Rest
OCD
People are funny. You remember the girl who comes to my house on weekends and organizes the coathangers? You know, the one that sleeps with my son? Well, my newfangled Droid is having some issues, so yesterday I borrowed her old cell phone and with a little technical wizardry (I had to call the Verizon help desk) switched the device over so that it now thinks it’s a Droid, at least for a little while. But that’s not the funny part. What’s funny …Read the Rest
Burnt Sienna
Since we’re on the subject of color, whatever happened to the big box of crayons you got under the Christmas tree as a kid, the one with the cool flip-top box, wrapped awkwardly in translucent red or green tissue paper together with three coloring books and a bunch of word-find puzzles? Or two weeks before the start of 4th grade, holding your Mom’s hand while standing in line at Woolworth’s with a cart full of school supplies, and the promise of a root-beer float …Read the Rest
Agent Scully Red
Whatever happened to blonde, brunette, and redhead? Last week we spent forty-five minutes at Target trying to find the right color because she forgot the damn box code. All I could remember was a picture of some smiling broad on the box, and while I was happy to keep looking, it turns out I picked the wrong one. Somehow, that turned out to be my fault. I swear, going shopping for haircolor is worse than going to the paint store. Each of the eight major beauty product manufacturers …Read the Rest
Finally
Look to the upper-right of the picture. Whoever designed this bathroom is a genius. Finally, a place to put your glass when you pee. What a great idea! What, you’ve never felt the urge to condense the fog, then wandered off to the men’s room only to find you forgot to leave your glass at the bar? It’s happened to me. So where do you put it? Girls have it made, they can put the glass on the floor right next to the toilet. Easy. But a guy …Read the Rest
Bringing it Home
I’ve heard of bringing home the bacon (I’ve been doing it for years), and then there’s bringing home some chow (I did that the other night as well). But this guy brings a new meaning to the term. Not only is he bringing home lots of chow (looks like a fifty-pound bag of Pedigree back there) but he’s also doing it in style. I hope he doesn’t take a spill though, because all that kibble on a busy road might create a terrific environmental disaster as …Read the Rest
California Dreaming
I only know a couple dozen Californians, but they seem to be a fairly relaxed lot (well, maybe not my boss). However, based on the photo I took recently at the park near to where my daughter and the Catsitter live, I think maybe they’ve taken the free-love, flowers in your hair thing just a little too far. These three toilets are to public restrooms what the overflow parking lot is to J.C. Penney: you’ll go there in a pinch, but not willingly. But I …Read the Rest
Yes, I’m Clueless
Does this mean she’s pissed? When she turns the picture you have of her on your nightstand around so it faces the wall, does that mean she’s not talking to you? I suppose I might have figured it out on my own (because she wasn’t talking to me, duh) but at least now after thirty years of marriage I have a clear sign that I did something wrong. Now I just have to figure out what it was.