As we came over the top of that hill, we both knew we were goners. In hindsight, the decision to tow my brother Kirby’s ’73 Power-Wagon – baby blue and affectionately known as the Ice Cream Truck – may have been a poor one. It wasn’t so much the decision itself that was wrong – after all, he was in trouble and I, as his brother, was there to help – but rather it was the method we used to accomplish …Read the Rest
Driving up from Tucson to Phoenix this morning, I became a firm believer in Darwin’s Law. I’m referring to the survival of the fittest, and I think this principle should be applied ruthlessly when talking about this world’s motor vehicle operators. What makes grandma think that she can drive her sprawling, late-model baby blue Cadillac Eldorado at thirty-five miles per hour in a sixty-five mile per hour zone without running the risk of never again seeing her coiffed and beribboned Shih-Tzu, or playing …Read the Rest
I’m taking off my ten-gallon hat to Texans and their efficiency. When a loved one here dies, there’s no need to visit one of those stuffy, depressing mortuaries to make your final arrangements. Just stop on by the Casket Store, offering in-stock closeouts, Tombstone Tuesdays, and two-for-one Senior Specials for those elderly couples trying to look ahead. The Casket Store is the specialist in getting your loved one planted and pushing up daisies, quickly and economically, so you can get back your life back on track with a minimum …Read the Rest
Well, it was bound to happen, I suppose. According to Family Radio, the world will end this year, 2011. Yep, mark your calendars, because on May 21st, the long-awaited Judgment Day begins, and all of us poor saps who haven’t been going to church on a regular basis (or at all) are in for some deep shit. The Great Rapture starts that day, which is good news for a few people, but those who don’t make the cut are going …Read the Rest
Phillip Katz, the inventor of the software PKZIP (at least now we know what PK stands for) died ten years ago this week, on 14-April 2000. Just think of all the exciting crap he’s missed in the last ten years! He was born on November 11, 1962, exactly one month after Mr. Ass was born, so now you know when to buy me a gift. According to Wiki, Phillip was born on the day that the term “personal computer” was first used by the media. …Read the Rest
Speaking of war, the War between the States began 149 years ago this week. Woohoo! And what a war it was. Lasting four years and claiming over one million people, the American Civil War killed 3% of the total population. To put it in perspective, if there were a comparable war today, we’d be talking about 9 million people dead. And for what? Slavery? Well, Abraham Lincoln said free the slaves in his Emancipation Proclamation, and surely, it was the right thing to do. But the …Read the Rest
Kurt Vonnegut – soldier, author, humanist, American prisoner of war and survivor of the Dresden fire bombings – died three years ago today on April 11th. I’ve always loved his writing. He invented ice-nine and the religion Bokononism in Cat’s Cradle, the characters Billy Pilgrim and Kilgore Trout in Slaughterhouse Five, and Trout’s son Leon watched the evolution of the human species over one-million years in Galapagos. Also on April 11th, troops belonging to the US 9th Armored Infantry Battalion led by Captain Frederic …Read the Rest
When she was born, the end of the Civil War was only 30 years old. Surely her parents and grandparents were still discussing it, bitching at the dining room table about the loss of Uncle Ned or Cousin Tim, and doing all this complaining while sitting in the dim light of gas lamps, because the light bulb was still a novelty, as was the automobile, the ballpoint pen, and the machine gun. The Wright Brothers flew the first airplane when …Read the Rest
Nobody I know died today. This could be because I don’t know that many people. But every day, over six-thousand people in the US join the invisible choir. That’s almost five people every hour. Around half of the deaths are due to heart disease or cancer, followed by stroke, respiratory disease, accidents, diabetes, flu, Alzheimer’s, kidney disease, and septicemia (blood poisoning). Yes, blood poisoning. Better get that tetanus shot up to date. Most of those who died were probably thinking …Read the Rest
This toothy fellow, eerily resembling one of Sigourney Weaver’s aliens, died on the shore of New Zealand recently. Nobody knows why he did it, nor why he, in Jim Jones fashion, coaxed fourteen of his fellow Pilot whales to say fuck it and follow him, taking a long swim up a shallow bay. Officials said they appeared to be “otherwise healthy specimens,” but being an otherwise healthy specimen has never stopped one of us humans from putting a pistol to our …Read the Rest