The Nordic Warrior Queen and I had a big argument this weekend. It was over another woman. We were on our way to Phoenix for a nice dinner and a night at a hotel, far away from our young roommates, barking dogs, squawking birds, and household chores. We were both looking forward to a romantic getaway. And then it started.
We used to live in Phoenix, but a lot’s changed since then, so I’d programmed my GPS for directions. I still insist that I knew where I was going, but didn’t want to lose any time just in case they changed the roads on me. But we were half an hour south of Phoenix – the skyline was a distant smudge on the horizon – when suddenly the voice of Elsa, the GPS girl, told me to turn off on a tiny dirt road and go west towards the mountains. Huh?
Elsa and I have been through a lot together. Her sexy mechanical voice has guided me without mishap through many states – California, Arizona, Texas, Minnesota, Ohio, to name a few. She didn’t do too well in Mexico, but she once navigated us safely through Germany and Austria into Slovakia. If it weren’t for Elsa, I’d probably be driving in circles right now somewhere in Eastern Europe. I trust this girl.
But lately, Elsa has been a bit erratic. There was that thing in San Diego a few months ago where we almost ended up in Tijuana, and sometimes she just clams up on me, as though unsure of where she’s going and afraid to admit that she’s lost.
So naturally my wife assumed the worse, and told me Elsa had to go. You’d think she would give the girl a second chance, but no way. Now she insists I use Mapquest before we go, and PRINT OUT THE DIRECTIONS! To me, this is like stopping at the gas station to ask for help. What’s more, all that wasted paper, it’s bad for the environment.
I’m sorry dear. You’re going to have to learn to accept another woman into our life, even if she does have a speech impediment. I can’t let go of her.
I missed you yesterday. Maybe you were driving to where ever you were going. Thought maybe you were ill. On the way out. Talk later.