I was late coming home last night. Since “she” was still pissed at me about the Rubbermaid comments, I figured I’d better stop for something to eat, as there surely wouldn’t be any home-cooked meals waiting for me. I thought about Burger King but was afraid I might see the creepy guy in the King outfit, and McDonald’s has clowns. So that left Taco Bell.
I pulled up to the drive-thru microphone kiosk thing. I don’t like talking to machines, and there’s so much shit on the big colorful display that I felt like a Mormon trying to decide which wife to sleep with tonight. I was completely intimidated.
The doctor told me last week I should watch my fat intake, but the low-fat menu tastes like microwaved asshole (thanks for the analogy, Jake) so I ordered just one Cheese Chilito to go with my Chicken Soft Taco. How bad could that be? At least it has tomatoes and lettuce, and besides, I’m still unconvinced that cheese is really bad for you. After all, it’s sort of like milk, and everyone knows that milk does a body good. Right?
Despite the pressure I felt while trying to choose which meal would kill me the least quickly, the girl inside the drive-thru kiosk thing was really nice about it. She waited patiently for me to decide, called me “Honey” in a sexy voice and asked me how I was doing tonight. I pictured some college-age hottie in there, working her way up the Taco Bell corporate food chain on a winning smile and a pair of big tits. I was sort of right.
My order placed, I drove to the window and…oh…my…God! I’m surprised there was any food left in the place, because surely this girl could have eaten everything on the dollar menu fifty times over. She may have had big hoohahs, but you couldn’t tell because the rest of her was equally super-sized, and her winning smile was that of a Great White Shark.
She was very pleasant, however. Better yet, she was efficient, and got my order out to me quickly, even though I discovered while leaving the parking lot that she’d screwed it up and given me a Beef Burrito and a Nacho Supreme. I considered going back but was afraid she would eat me. Leo Getz was right, they really do fuck you at the drive-thru.
Next time I’ll go to Wendy’s. Besides, I like the picture of the girl with the red pigtails.
Kudos!
Excellent!
I’m still smiling about the line, “…but I was afraid she’d eat me.”