Don’t tell my wife, but today an attractive young woman woman squirted warm lubricant all over me and proceeded to poke and pull on the largest and most impressive part of my body.
I’m talking about my stomach, of course.
I’ve never had an ultrasound before, but I admit it was kind of cool. For what they charge the insurance company, however, you should at least get a few color photographs out of the deal. Something you can frame maybe, or put on a Christmas card.
The saddest part is that I fell asleep. Between the dim lighting, the droning sound of the machine, and the exertion of the stomach crunches she repeatedly asked me to perform (which were impressive, I might add), I became sleepy and dozed off. It could happen to anyone, but I am a little offended that she kicked me when she heard me snoring, sort of like Mr. Rodney used to do in my 10th grade science class.
I’m told I have another hernia. What is it about getting older that the insides of my body have begun to…well, extrude? My nether regions were reinforced when I was in my mid-thirties, and I thought that was the end of it, but my doctor is telling me now that it’s time to patch the hole in my belly button or else my intestines will one day come squirting out like a malfunctioning can of silly string and it will hurt. Lots.
So after all the tests and appointments and consultations, I’ll get it fixed. Wish me luck. The good news is that I’ll get a few days off work.
P.S. That picture up there, it’s not me; it’s a horse. It beats the glue factory, I suppose.