Them’s the Beans

The Great San Diego Bean-Off is over. Attendance was high at this year’s event, largely because most of the guests wanted to see Mr. Ass whoop the smug Ms. Burris and her strange but admittedly tasty concoction of baked beans, hamburger, and Lima beans. The contest was considered a tie, even though my beans did seem to linger around the house for much longer (in more ways than one). For those who are interested, here is the semi-official recipe for Mr. Ass Baked Beans:

6 cans white beans

2 cans chicken stock (maybe more, if you like it soupy)

1 lb cheap bacon (if you’re feeling adventurous, you could use ½ lb or so of salt-pork as well)

1 big, honking sweet onion. The flatter ones are better

4-5 large cloves garlic

1 big jalapeno (this might explain my hemorrhoids)

6-8 dried red peppers

1 cup ketchup

1/2 cup dark Karo syrup (don’t use molasses, it tastes like crap)

1/2 cup dark brown sugar

1/2 cup honey

1 tsp dried mustard

1 tsp salt

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp chili powder

1 tsp onion powder

½ tsp ground red pepper

1 tbsp corn starch, mix with water to make a slurry

NOTE: the amounts shown here may vary, depending on how much beer I’ve consumed that day. Use your own best judgment.

Slice the bacon, pork, whatever, into half-inch or so pieces. Don’t cut your finger.

While the bacon is browning, chop the onion into chunks small enough that your wife and daughter won’t complain too much.

When the bacon is nearly done, wait for your wife to go to the bathroom so she won’t holler at you and then pour the grease down the drain.

Push the bacon to one side of the pan and add the onion. If it looks like you have too much, or if she’s watching and you can’t sneak it all in, save a handful for the hot-dogs.

While the onion is cooking, rinse all the white goo from the beans (no Bush’s Baked beans here) and drain thoroughly.

Chop up the garlic and jalapeno. Do not pick your nose or put your finger in your eye for the rest of the day or you’ll be sorry. Add to the pan and cook all this for a minute or two. Don’t burn the garlic or it will taste bad.

Add the ketchup, mustard, syrup, honey, spices, etc., then fold in the beans. Cook for another minute or two but don’t stir it too much or you’ll end up with bean paste.

Add the chicken stock and the corn starch slurry. Bring to enough of a boil to thicken, then place in a 250 degree oven, uncovered, for 3-4 hours. Longer is better. Now is a good time to think about what you’re having with the beans.

Once in a while, stir the funky-looking scum that forms on top back into the beans. This will make the beans darker. Season or add more chicken stock as you see fit.

When the beans taste good, you can cover them or put them in a crock pot, whatever you want. If they don’t taste good, throw them out and order pizza.

P.S. Burris – I invite you to add your recipe in the comments section below, if you dare (I lost the copy you gave me, sorry).