This toothy fellow, eerily resembling one of Sigourney Weaver’s aliens, died on the shore of New Zealand recently. Nobody knows why he did it, nor why he, in Jim Jones fashion, coaxed fourteen of his fellow Pilot whales to say fuck it and follow him, taking a long swim up a shallow bay.
Officials said they appeared to be “otherwise healthy specimens,” but being an otherwise healthy specimen has never stopped one of us humans from putting a pistol to our forehead, or chasing ten sleeping pills with a fifth of Jack, or running down to the local Home Depot and buying 25 feet of garden hose and a roll of duct tape and hooking the whole mess up to the exhaust pipe of our 1996 Chevrolet Caprice and snaking the ass end through the cracked open back window.
The really sad part is this: they took the calves with them on their journey up the beach. Maybe they figured it was better than letting them be eaten by the sharks. Whatever your reasons, happy diving, lost Pilots.