Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Achy All Over

Achy All Over

Here comes the flu season. The guy on the radio this morning announced that there are twenty-four confirmed flu cases in Tucson, and recommended that everyone get immunized immediately. Wow. Twenty-four whole sick people, out of a population of nearly one million, and I’m supposed to run out and get a shot. I’m no statistician, but that gives me maybe a .002 percent chance of catching the flu, and that’s assuming it’s 100 percent communicable and that it doesn’t burn itself …Read the Rest

Honey-Dos

Honey-Dos

Ah, Saturday morning. The one day of the week where you can count on some well-deserved relaxation – a leisurely day of Rambo reruns, sitting around in your underwear eating junk food, and at the end of the day, a little trip to the bar.  But no. I guess women look at Saturdays differently. To them, Saturday is a day of punishment: chores, projects, and Honey-Dos. All the crap that we men know can wait until another day, or maybe …Read the Rest

It’s the Water

It’s the Water

Florida’s a nice place. As an Arizonan, used to dry, harsh conditions, I am amazed at the abundance of life here. The lush green landscape seemingly swarms with birds, bugs, bobcats, and bears. The amount and variety of life here is freakish in comparison with my arid home. Shortly after my arrival, the 9:00 news reported on an alligator that ate some woman’s yipping pug dog. Unsatisfied with the appetizer, he then proceeded to knock on the woman’s kitchen door, looking …Read the Rest

At The Meet

At The Meet

  At the Swap Meet, you can find most anything you need. There is rubber dog poop to hide in your sister’s bed or silicone buttocks to augment a flat, droopy ass. If you’re short on roughage, there are shiny heaps of produce at each entrance, tended by suntanned older women in straw hats and sweatstained t-shirts.  For the health-conscious among us, you can find protein-shakes, organic garbanzo beans, Acai tea, and even E-cigarettes. Or if you need a new companion, you can buy a bowl of goldfish, a pair of Ringneck Parakeets, or choose from a …Read the Rest

My Fan Club

My Fan Club

I was out shopping the other day and couldn’t help but notice this young man’s tattoo. Despite his misshapen and exceedingly hairy elbow, I was flattered to see my name permanently imprinted on his skin, even though it’s kind of a weird place for it. But it’s good to finally have a real fan club after nearly two-hundred Mr. Ass blog posts, unlike those girls that were stalking me last June. I thought they’d never stop emailing me.

The New Boeing

The New Boeing

I went to visit my Mom yesterday. I flew on a brand new Boeing 737. Somewhat disconcertingly, it had that “new car smell” all of us like so much; kind of weird to be smelling it in an airplane. The pilot came on shortly after takeoff to brag that it was the plane’s third “revenue” flight, which I assume meant the plane had been flown once around the factory right after the last piece was bolted on, just to make sure everything …Read the Rest

Friends

Friends

A few weeks ago, I logged onto Facebook and received one of those annoying messages, alerting me that old so-and-so, a person I haven’t seen for years, was now on Facebook and maybe I would like to be his friend. So, being the nice guy that I am, I sent him a Friend invitation. Why not, it’s good to have friends, right? Well, last night, three weeks after I asked this guy to be my Friend, he finally, grudgingly accepted. …Read the Rest

Woohoo, I’m Rich

I received this email today. What a lucky break, I guess I can retire early now: Greetings, We wish to notify you again that you were listed as a Heir to the total sum of (Three Million Six Hundred Thousand British Pounds) in the codicil and last testament of our deceased client. Name now withheld since this is our second letter to you. We are reaching you the second time because her instruction stipulates that this fund should be paid …Read the Rest

Click-It or Ticket

Click-It or Ticket

I don’t get it.   Motorcycles don’t have seatbelts, nor does the law require me to wear a helmet. Fine. Sometimes I don’t. Horses run at speeds that kill. No seatbelt required on Old Paint. And while I personally might have difficulty pedaling a bicycle up to lethal speeds, there are some steep hills around here and I could do some damage. Why no seatbelt? Go-Carts? Nope. Riding lawnmowers? Nope. Four-wheelers? Nope. So why then, when I drive my pickup truck down …Read the Rest

The Phone Book Conspiracy

The Phone Book Conspiracy

  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m a little insulted at the presumptuous attitude of these people who spend millions of dollars each year, and waste unimaginable resources collating, publishing, and distributing these things. And then they have the nerve to leave them in the middle of my driveway, so I have to stop the car, get out, and chuck them in the recycling bin. I’m talking about the phone book.  Every year, those busy beavers in Cary, North Carolina make over 500,000,000 of these things, …Read the Rest

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