Category Archives: On Traveling

Mormons, Bottled Water, and Airport Security

Mormons, Bottled Water, and Airport Security

Apparently, it was Bring Grandma, the Dog, and All the Kids on Vacation day at the Salt Lake City airport. Everywhere around me stood gaggles of children, herded about by frustrated parents and matriarchal old ladies. The place was packed. The small-child stench of Gummi bear drool and eight-dollar Happy Meals filled the air, while the barks, howls, and yips of dogs and owners alike echoed off the check-in counters. I wanted to go home. All week long I’d been …Read the Rest

A Busted Airplane

A Busted Airplane

I was glad Flip had determined this while still on the ground; when engines “act funny” at 30,000 feet, it generally means you have less than a minute to live, during which you’ll hear lots of people screaming, smell the mingled reek of vomit and urine, and finally find out if the oxygen masks really do inflate in the event of an emergency.

On Peas

On Peas

Excerpt from a text discussion with the Nordic Warrior Queen while traveling   Wife: Are you at dinner? Me: I found a new pub. Durty Nelly’s Wife: Big surprise there Me: Did you know Shepherd’s Pie is Irish? Wife: What’s Shepherd’s Pie? Sounds gross Me: It’s delicious. Lots of peas, however Wife: Yuck Me: Peas, in gravy, are delicious. Peas rolling about on a plate, quickly growing cold and soggy? Not so much Wife: I see Wife: Have you been …Read the Rest

After the Jihad

After the Jihad

I wrote a story last year for an online writing class. I wish I’d known then how much trouble I would get into because of that story. I never would have done it. My fellow students and I were supposed to model our stories on the work of famous authors. In this case, it was Campbell McGrath, a poet. We were told to copy the writer’s style. This seemed a bit like plagiarism to me, but I did the exercise …Read the Rest

Esmerelda and the Soap

Esmerelda and the Soap

I’m not a very eco-friendly person to begin with. I don’t recycle, I drive with the windows down and the AC on, and I print reams worth of documents. Let the future fend for itself, I say. But I admit: when I travel, I’m a real pig. I laugh at the hotel’s request to conserve laundry—SAVE THE PLANET: PLEASE REUSE YOUR TOWEL—Ha! I gleefully chuck my sodden towel on the bathroom floor after a single shower. I leave all the …Read the Rest

Excerpt from a Conversation in a Hawaiian Convenience Store while on Vacation

Excerpt from a Conversation in a Hawaiian Convenience Store while on Vacation

“Umm…I’d like to return these condoms.” The clerk behind the counter of the ABC store was the size of a volcano. He stood six-ten at least, went four, maybe four-hundred fifty pounds, and spanned nearly the entire width of the cigarette rack behind him, from Benson and Hedges to Winston. I figured this guy could eat the entire pig at the luau. He stared down at me for several long moments before speaking, and in a delicate singsong voice, fluted, …Read the Rest

Child Safety

Child Safety

I’m a big fan of child safety. No, seriously. Plastic drawer catches, anti-tip TV straps, coffee table edge protectors, toilet seat locks and door knob covers; all are important components of any infant’s living space—yes, even those damn irritating electrical outlet plugs that have to be pried out of the wall with a butterknife every time the slightest amount of AC power is required. This attitude is not a result of an infant Mr. Ass tumbling down the stairs in …Read the Rest

The Wet Towel Affair

The Wet Towel Affair

It wasn’t my fault. Really. I mean, who hangs the bath towels inside the shower? I’ve stayed in a lot of hotels, but until now, I’d never encountered this situation. One might argue I should have seen them there before starting the shower, that sometime between hot-water-on and scrub-a-dub-dub, I would have noticed that the means for getting out of the shower was hanging in the shower. Sadly, this was not the case. By the time I achieved squeaky clean …Read the Rest

Flies and Flowers

Flies and Flowers

When I woke up this morning, I knew there was something special in store for me. Thursdays are good days for me anyway – they come with a certain feeling of accomplishment at having put away eighty percent of the workweek, but without all that giddy TGIF expectation that accompanies Friday. But today would be over the top. I just knew it. Besides, it looked to be a beautiful February day in Irvine. I stood before the hotel room window, …Read the Rest

Chasing the Sonata

Chasing the Sonata

Chasing the Sonata (click to see actual video of chase scene) When the Captain asked if I could help bring his old mattress to his parent’s house, of course I agreed. It turns out the Homeless Lady was tired of sleeping on the futon, and since Jamie and the Captain had just upgraded to a King-size mattress (Jamie, like her mother the Nordic Warrior Queen, is a bed hog), it only made sense to donate the thing to a worthy …Read the Rest

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