Kicked in the Shin

February 9, 2012

I have to take all these classes for my new job. It’s called “virtual” training, which means day after endless day of connecting to a web-site to watch as some faceless stranger runs through all the important stuff I’m supposed to know about the software sell.

Then I’m supposed to do all the same steps they just showed me, on my own computer, while the instructor watches over my virtual shoulder. And at the end of each day, I have to pass a test.

Now I remember why I never liked school.

As if that’s not bad enough, there might be five or six people in the class, and when you’re done with the exercise you have to wait for everyone else to finish.

What’s worse, you can’t laugh at them, or tell them to please hurry the hell up because you want to finish the class before Jeopardy comes on.

And you certainly can’t bitch about all the dumb things the software does, because some of those other people might be customers, whose companies just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on their new software system.

The silver lining in this “where can I find a sharp knife because I want to slit my wrists” cloud is that, unlike attending real school, nobody can see what I’m doing at my desk.

In real school, meaning that place you went during your teen years to smoke pot and drink beer in the parking lot, you had to be careful. When the teacher caught you sleeping in real class, you were likely to receive a sharp kick in the shin. Ouch.

Thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

But in virtual class, you can take a nap whenever you like, and nobody will be the wiser.

Except, of course, when you forget to disable the video camera on your computer, and after several minutes of the teacher listening to your shallow breathing into the phone while she repeatedly calls your name, she figures out how to remotely activate the previously mentioned camera and catches you sawing logs in the middle of the company-sponsored mandatory training on the correct way to format data fields and perform “table joins,” whatever that means.

She seemed quite sympathetic when I explained that I was up all night studying. She even offered to stay online afterwards, in case I missed anything or had additional questions. What a nice lady.

I hope she doesn’t tell my boss.

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