I was a little drunk when I got on, so I can’t really blame her. She was just doing her job.
It started like this: I was taking a flight to Dallas last week but the plane was delayed. And what is there to do when your plane is delayed but have a few beers in the airport bar? Besides, the airline gave us drink coupons.
By the time the plane arrived, I was more than ready. I wandered down the jetway, got settled into 12A, and tried to take a nap. But then the stewardess arrived. Her name tag read JANIE. She looked like she worked out a lot.
JANIE told me I was sitting in an emergency exit row, and would I be willing and able to help others in the event of an emergency. I smiled and assured her that yes, I was still able, but only if none of them were on fire.
I guess that was the wrong thing to say. JANIE got all pissed and made me collect my belongings and go sit back by the toilets, right near the galley so she could keep an eye on me.
I amused myself by playing with the Atomic Fart app on my iPhone, but I guess that bothered some of the passengers, because moments later JANIE came stomping over and told me to turn off my electronic instruments.
We pushed back from the gate, and that’s when the safety briefing began. I especially like the video. All of those smiling passengers, politely helping one other with their oxygen masks, inflating their little safety vests, looking like they’re doing nothing more stressful than trying on a new pair of pants while the plane rockets toward the earth at 500 mph with flames and smoke filling the cabin. Right.
That’s when I started to wonder: do they really have safety vests under each seat? I just had to know.
So while the JANIE galumphed her way up front to tend the coffeemaker, I reached under my seat. Just as I suspected, there was nothing there. But then I snagged a corner of a plastic bag, and gave it a little tug.
Out came the life vest, just as they’d said. But do they really work? In the video they’d looked pretty flimsy. I decided to try it on.
Really, I had no intention of inflating the thing. That would be reckless. I just wanted to see if it fit. But I’d no more than stuck it over my head when JANIE came running back down the aisle, waving her hands like she was being chased by a swarm of bees.
She was pretty angry with me. If we hadn’t already been in the air, I think she would have ejected me from the plane. I could tell that she was considering it anyway, even at 10,000 feet. I assured her I was just watching out for the safety of my fellow passengers. She scowled, took away my life vest, and huffed back to the front of the plane. I guess she’d had a long day.
I was bored by that point, and decided to take another nap. Besides, the guy next to me was acting sort of uptight, like I was bothering him. Whatever.
As I closed my eyes, I wondered: do those oxygen masks actually work?