The Cuddly Terror

I grew up in Minnesota, so I’ve always known that the Land of Ten-Thousand Lakes is home to some terrifying creatures – Black Bears and Mountain Lions, howling Timberwolves, fierce weasels and badgers and wolverines, never mind the herbivorous – yet still dangerous – great galumphing moose.

Yes, Minnesota can be a scary place. I’ve been bitten by Canadian geese, nipped in the toes by huge man-eating catfish, and stung by buzzing honeybees, so I knew what to expect when I returned home last weekend.

But I wasn’t prepared for this.  

Apparently, a new life form has evolved in this frozen wilderness, a creeping terror made of sharp teeth, ripping claws, and fierce predatory intelligence. Its name? The Arctic Wooly Übercat.

If you need proof, just look at the warning on the door: BEWARE OF CAT!!!

I became aware of its existence the moment I walked through the door and saw the man-sized prints in the tall mounds of snow covering the deck, smelled the faint odor of its humungous scat, and witnessed the massive clumps of shed fur lying about.

It wasn’t long before I learned the awful truth: this terror of the snow has made its way indoors, possibly by gnawing a tunnel through the very walls of this previously secure Bloomington home. Yikes. Two of the house’s inhabitants have already gone missing. How many more will be lost?

Several times during the week, I could hear the Übercat skulking about, hiding behind the couch, creeping up the stairs; it was stalking me. During the night, it would rocket across the living room, its great mass shaking the very foundations of the house. And one time it even leaped onto my Aero-bed while I was sleeping, its enormous bulk catapulting me out of the mattress and onto the ice-cold floor.

I haven’t slept a wink since. Fortunately, I’ll be leaving the frozen tundra tomorrow, and will soon be home once again in sunny Arizona, where the bobcats and rattlesnakes and coyote are but docile zoo animals compared to this lurking monster.  

I fear, however, that the Arctic Wooly Übercat has learned my scent, she has felt my fear, and will soon be tracking me to my southwestern clime.

If I suddenly go missing, you know I have become yet another victim of…the Arctic Wooly Übercat.