My wife’s dieting, but I’m not supposed to tell anyone that.
And while she’s grazing on low-sodium, fat-free, sugar-free, organic foods, eating enough fruits and vegetables for a petting zoo, measuring, weighing, and timing her meals to atomic precison, consuming no beer, wine, or booze of any kind, a complete frigging teetotaler, I have to fend for myself.
So I stocked up on some quick and easy meals. You know, the crap with 7 layers of packaging and enough preservatives that I’ll live to be 150 years old. I like the fact that you can pop it in the microwave, or better yet, eat it right out of the container. Simple.
My favorite is Reser’s Macaroni Salad. I’m not normally a big noodle salad kind of guy, but this stuff is delicious. I’ve been eating it for weeks, sometimes two or three times a day.
But I noticed I’ve put on a few pounds recently. At first I attributed it to not enough exercise, or maybe it’s the ramp up to the holidays. And then I read the nutrition label on the noodle salad. Oops.
Normally, I say if it tastes good, eat it. All this hype about nutrition is a waste of time, and I figure we’re all going to die someday anyway, so you might as well enjoy what time you have. And even though the doctor says my cholesterol is borderline, the way I see it, I could get hit by a bus or blown up in a terrorist attack tomorrow, so what the hell.
And those companies that come up with all this nutrition information –how do they get their facts, anyway? Calculating saturated fats, carbohydrates, calorie counts, sodium levels, cholesterol, protein –who cares? And those serving sizes – a guy could starve to death on helpings that small.
I think all the nutrition companies must be in league with the food manufacturers, don’t you? After all, every business in the country is in cahoots with some other organization, politician, lobbyist, lawyer, or marketing company.
Good nutrition is big business.
Anyway, back to the Reser’s Noodle Salad. As it turns out, there’s 22 grams of fat in a single serving. And the serving size is around 5 noodles. And since my wife the nutritionist says the ‘recommended’ maximum fat intake for a human being is 60 grams, that means I’ve been eating enough fat for at least 13 people.
So now it looks like I have to go on a diet as well. At least the Nordic Warrior Queen will have company, and we can listen to one another’s stomachs growl at night as husband and wife. We won’t have enough energy for anything else.
Say… I was just thinking: you can still drink beer while dieting, right? RIGHT?