I hate parades.
All that happy singing and dancing, the decorated floats, endless chorus lines kicking their legs up in the air and noisy marching bands going boom boom boom, cheering crowds and homemade ‘Hi Mom!’ signs. It’s enough to drive one to the liquor cabinet before noon.
Some might argue there’s something wrong with me: who wouldn’t like all this cheerful stuff? Certainly the Nordic Warrior Queen thinks I should.
She has her traditions. Every holiday like clockwork, on come the parades, followed by endless Bowl games, holiday cooking shows, and Regis and Kathy holiday specials. She lays claim to the TV set for most of the day. And since I can’t watch Discovery Channel or Spike TV, there’s nothing for me to do but sit there next to her as a dutiful husband should, watching the damn parades.
And then she has the nerve to accuse me of being a closet parade fan.
Nothing could be further from the truth, I’m telling you. I admit I might be intrigued at the long length of the Rockette’s legs, but I think dancing is stupid, and I’m certainly not a big fan of pop, country, and especially high-school band music (I did enjoy the Johnny Cash impersonator, however).
But worst of all are the balloons. Scary. This year we had an enormous green Shrek, a Spider Man shooting webs potent enough to tame the most massive of villains, a Spongebob Squarepants with a grin as big as my car, and a colossal blue Smurf wearing a white hat the size of a locomotive.
There was a fifty foot Charlie Brown with an equally enormous dog Snoopy, Marshmallow Man (not Mr. Stay Puffed), Mr. Potato head with detachable eyes and mouth as big as couches. Dora the Explorer’s backpack was the size of a tractor trailer. And of course there were clowns.
What if one of these things got away from their handlers? It happens – remember the escaped Grinch balloon a few years back? I’m not sure I could sleep nights knowing there was a giant Ronald McDonald on the loose, one capable of eating my house.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Don’t eat too much turkey, and watch out for runaway parade balloons.