Whoa

Ahhh, Bevmo! Bevmo is the ultimate beer superstore. For those of you not fortunate enough to have a local Bevmo (I’m speaking now about those poor Minnesotans who have only the MGM Liquor Warehouse or Cub Foods to choose from, which are not even open on Sundays and carry beers like Pig’s Eye and Schell), Bevmo is to beer what Home Depot is to home improvement, what Gold’s Gym is to weight lifting, what Fed-Ex is to home package delivery. You get the idea.

But this post is not about Bevmo; it’s about genetics. Bear with me.

I stopped at Bevmo on my way home from work last night. I’d had a bad day, and was searching for a $12 bottle of beer to help kill those particular brain cells which couldn’t seem to forget the 3-hour meeting I’d just endured. Besides, I figured I’d earned it. 

I was in the back of the store digging for the last bottle of Imperial Stout when I heard the sound of grocery carts crashing into display shelves from up front. I looked up just in time to see an attractive young lady exiting the wine section. She was smoking hot. Every swinging dick in the place was staring at her. And even though I am very happily married, I also had to take a look, just to see what all the fuss was about.

Let me put it this way: baby had back. I can only speak to her physical attributes, but I have to say that this girl came from the very deepest part of the gene pool. I’m talking major junk in the trunk, ghetto bootie, badunkadunk, whatever you choose to call it, she had a huge ass. And as I later sat on the rear gate of my pickup truck in the driveway, working on my bottle of stout and watching the sun go down, I contemplated this simple question: what survival need does a big butt fill?

If you consider natural selection, a big butt doesn’t keep you any warmer, or any safer, doesn’t make you smarter or protect you from injury (maybe if you fell out of a tree it might cushion the fall). If you’re running from a saber-tooth tiger, a massive heine will only slow you down, unless you’re like a lizard and can sacrifice your tail when the predator grabs you from behind, which I’m fairly sure most women can’t do or it would certainly raise difficult questions when going at it doggy-style.

So what is it? Why are women shaped like this?

I’m left with only one conclusion: men like big butts. Which in turn means that, in the end, women with big butts have a greater chance of attracting a mate and therefore propagating the species. It’s a simple matter of natural selection. 

And if you don’t believe in natural selection, I have no problem with this, but you are left with just one other possible conclusion: God likes big butts too. And since he supposedly created man in his own image, it only reaffirms what I’m saying.

So I’m sorry all you skinny-assed, wall-butted women. God loves you too, but you’re ultimately bound for extinction.