Dear Amy

You are a bad girl. Your mother is ashamed of you. Out here in the Wild West, Sheriff Joe would put you in pink PJs and hang you from a tall tree by a short rope (thanks for the metaphor, Jake), or tie you down over an ant hill and pour honey on your naked body.

When I placed an ad on the Tucson Craigslist for a desk and chair, I assumed the world would play square with me. I was wrong. This douchebag Amy Vocu lied to me, and she did it in very poor English besides. I should have known better. She said she would buy the desk for asking price, and even throw in $50 for taking down the ad right away. The certified check was in the mail. I was happy. What a crock of shit.

Today she emailed me and said there was a mistake, and that “they” had misinterpreted her hearing-impaired speech, and sent me a check for $2500 by accident, and would I please just return the balance? I’m a nice guy, and said sure. Wouldn’t you? But I thought about it, and turned to my old friend Google.

Google told me Amy is a thief and a liar, preying on stupid people like me who hear what they want to hear. Google told me there are a whole slimy horde of Amy Vocus out there. I hope someday Amy and her ilk will get what’s coming to them.

In the meantime, if any of you are looking for a nice desk, let me know. I’m asking $500 (Amy offered me $550). I’m going to take it off Craigslist because I’m tired of their crap.

And sorry about tearing apart your room, Jake. The good news is, if I run into another Amy Vocu, you might get the desk as a wedding gift. I might even help you move it. Maybe.