May 22, 2010

I went to a Sports Bar the other night. I’m not a big sports fan, but they had beer, so I figured why not. They had TVs everywhere. Against the far wall, Tiger was in match play against some white guy. Next to him, the LA Lakers trailed the Oklahoma Thunder, and a hockey fight ensued on the third set. Off to the right were reruns of last year’s Superbowl, and the Boys of Summer were cranking it up in Spring Training on the left.

Before each TV sat a group of drunken fools going “OOOOOHH” or “AHHHHH” and “NOOOOOO” and my favorite “SONOFABIIIITCH!”

It looks to me that being a sports fan is a lot of work. Aside from the emotional aspect of sports fannery with its expostulations, exclamations, and loud profanity, there is also  the physical effort of arm waving, jumping up and down, knocking one’s chair or pitcher of beer to the ground.

I also noticed that, depending on which TV they watched, some of the sports fans were getting far more exercise than others.

For example, golf was the least taxing of all the sports; the fans seemed to be spending more time talking about Tiger’s sex life than they did the game.

Hockey came in second; aside from perking up during the fistfights, the hockey fans were surprisingly sedentary. I think it’s because the puck goes so fast, most people can’t see it and just pretend to know what’s going on. 

Baseball, despite its long periods of inactivity and single-digit scores, will periodically elicit the most taxing of physical involvement, causing its fans to jump up and down, high-five, and occasionally table dance.

Football is the most violent of sports, and being a football fan appears to be violent as well. Even though there wasn’t much scoring going on, there was a general melee among the fans each time the ball was in play. Several times, altercations between opposing fans were carried into the parking lot. And in between plays, there were the cheerleaders, raising testosterone levels even higher. Oh, boy.

For my part, I enjoyed the commercials the most.

Basketball…Jesus, I got tired just watching the fans, never mind the damn ball going back and forth, back and forth. back and forth. At every score, the fans leaped to their feet, tendons popping, arms shot high, screams of adoration or derision filling the air.

All this sports fanning makes me thirsty. I think I’ll order another beer.

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