Sometimes at work I have to wear a tie. I’d rather wear a T-shirt, but they won’t let me. Okay, fine. But here’s the problem: I’m 5’ 8” tall and have a 19” neck, a size normally reserved for very short football players and the morbidly obese. Good luck finding a shirt that fits. I know: I’m shaped like a troll. But I don’t need some Chinese woman telling me that. I tried using collar extenders – two of them, …Read the Rest
How do I love thee? Well…let me think: I love your smile, your walk and your shape My affection for you, cannot be escaped Tho’ never was born a fairer lass The truth be told, I love your…um, sass My thirst for you I cannot slake Despite when you snore, and keep me awake You cheer me up when I’m feeling blue So I try to ignore the odors you spew I love thee truly, forever and more Even your …Read the Rest
I like to think that I have a thick skin. When your writing has been rejected hundreds of times, you learn to ignore ugly criticisms – otherwise, you’ll just end up quitting. Still, it hurts when someone makes a nasty comment on a Mr. Ass post, calling me a fool and a moron, and takes a swipe at the Nordic Warrior Queen besides, calling her a “helluva hellenic catch” for choosing to marry me. According to the Bible, Jesus told …Read the Rest
I bought this ‘67 Chevelle once. It had a 327 small block, a Muncie 4-speed and 4.11 Posi-Trac rear-end. It wasn’t an SS, but I knew I could fix it up just as nice. This was the same car my brother and I would one day tow down County Road 5, nearly killing a woman and her small children when the front tire came loose and ricocheted in front of their minivan. But that was years later. I was eighteen. …Read the Rest
I have to take all these classes for my new job. It’s called “virtual” training, which means day after endless day of connecting to a web-site to watch as some faceless stranger runs through all the important stuff I’m supposed to know about the software sell. Then I’m supposed to do all the same steps they just showed me, on my own computer, while the instructor watches over my virtual shoulder. And at the end of each day, I have …Read the Rest
When I woke up this morning, I knew there was something special in store for me. Thursdays are good days for me anyway – they come with a certain feeling of accomplishment at having put away eighty percent of the workweek, but without all that giddy TGIF expectation that accompanies Friday. But today would be over the top. I just knew it. Besides, it looked to be a beautiful February day in Irvine. I stood before the hotel room window, …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen was hollering at me the other day. “Why can’t you men ever turn off the light when you leave the room?” I was a bit offended at being lumped in with the rest of the male species. After all…it’s me she’s talking about, but I kept my opinion to myself; you don’t survive thirty years of marriage without knowing when to pick your battles. I finished my turn in Chess with Friends and looked up, so …Read the Rest
What’s up with you guys anyway? After two years and 300+ blog posts, what’s the one observation on this fine site that gets the most hits? Snot! See: https://misterass.com/2011/03/28/snot Where’s the fascination? It’s not even that funny – in terms of humor, it doesn’t compare to Ivan and the Key Card, or The Garden Hose. And yet it’s had over 1000 page views. I don’t get it. But what is snot, anyway, that makes it so interesting? According to Wiki – who would …Read the Rest
This morning the Nordic Warrior Queen wanted to know how many people die each year on cruise ships. Since that’s one of the things I don’t know much about I had to look it up in Wikipedia. But Wiki wasn’t there! What the hell? There was only this cryptic message about SOPA and PIPA, which I thought were Spanish words, and a little box asking me for my zip code. Why is Wiki going on about soup and music in …Read the Rest
When I was a kid, it was all so simple. I could load one of these up – Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse, even Frosty the Snowman, it didn’t matter – in about four seconds flat, all while watching The Brady Bunch, or Gilligan’s Island. And I never once dropped a single piece of candy. What the hell happened? I’m talking about PEZ dispensers. Someone put one of these in my stocking for Christmas. It was a merry old Saint Nick model, …Read the Rest