I think that I did never need my Mom’s advice, I did not heed: “Brush your teeth” and “Tie your shoe” and “Wash your hands after the loo!” These cautious words meant naught to me except to give me cause to flee. “Look both ways, clean up your room!” or she might whack you with a broom. And yet, today, I finally see how much she really did love me. I picked my nose and ate it too, and …Read the Rest
When Captain13 quit playing, I felt completely lost. We’d played together for years, sometimes six, eight times a day. But we were always discreet about it, keeping the frequency of our games a secret from even our wives. Together, we’d learned the rules of this gentle contest, the strategy and tactics, the give and take. And now after all this time, he was gone. There was no text message to explain his absence, no phone call to say his app …Read the Rest
I got an email a few days ago from this ad agency, based in Sweden of all places. They wanted me to go to Chile, to do a story on a gold mine there. Chile? As in the country? True, I’d done work for them before, but why me? She said the regular guy couldn’t go, and they liked the last story I did, the one on the bicycle manufacturer in North Carolina. If I could do it, they’d send me …Read the Rest
“Umm…I’d like to return these condoms.” The clerk behind the counter of the ABC store was the size of a volcano. He stood six-ten at least, went four, maybe four-hundred fifty pounds, and spanned nearly the entire width of the cigarette rack behind him, from Benson and Hedges to Winston. I figured this guy could eat the entire pig at the luau. He stared down at me for several long moments before speaking, and in a delicate singsong voice, fluted, …Read the Rest
I’m a big fan of child safety. No, seriously. Plastic drawer catches, anti-tip TV straps, coffee table edge protectors, toilet seat locks and door knob covers; all are important components of any infant’s living space—yes, even those damn irritating electrical outlet plugs that have to be pried out of the wall with a butterknife every time the slightest amount of AC power is required. This attitude is not a result of an infant Mr. Ass tumbling down the stairs in …Read the Rest
It was a big problem. What to get the Captain, my son-in –law, for his birthday? A stocking cap perhaps, to keep his Telly Savalas-like head warm in the blisteringly cold San Diego weather? No, the only time he wears a hat is on the boat, and that one’s covered in little red and white flecks of fish goo and squid guts. Yuck. How about a new fishing pole? No, he already has an entire garage wall and most of …Read the Rest
Dear Chase Bank, The Nordic Warrior Queen broke a molar this week and it cost $580 to fix. Ouch. And then I forgot about the check I mailed a few days ago to the IRS. The Feds must really need the money, because they sure process payments a lot faster than they do refunds. As a result of all this, my checking account balance went negative by $28. Sorry about that, it happens. However, I didn’t receive an email alert on this situation until 3:41 …Read the Rest
When Mike Wallace got to the Pearly Gates, he found Saint Peter standing out front waiting for him. At the look of confusion on Wallace’s face, Saint Peter reached out a welcoming hand. “It’s okay, Mr. Wallace. You can rest now.” “No, wait,” Wallace looked around anxiously. “Where, uh…am I dead?” Saint Peter simply smiled in response. “Oh. Well, I see. I sort of figured that, you know. That last chest pain was a real motherfucker…oh, sorry.” Wallace seemed embarrassed …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen has asked for a retraction. She’s failed to see the humor of my recent post, The Middle Age Tramp Stamp, and wants me to set the record straight. Okay, here goes. As it turns out, there’s something about menopause that the women who are enduring it don’t find the least bit funny: the mood swings, the hot flashes, the tender breasts and annoying need for supplemental estrogen—I understand now that these are difficult subjects for a …Read the Rest
I came in from the garage the other day to hear the Nordic Warrior Queen talking on the phone. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I could tell it was our daughter, and something big was going down. Jimmy (she hates it when I call her that) had brought her cat in to the vet. No, don’t panic, they told her. Smelly Cat is fine. A little gas is a perfectly normal thing. Yes, even if the smell makes the …Read the Rest