In the Loo

It must be a cultural thing. But to be honest, I just don’t get it. Here you have a perfectly good toilet sitting beneath you, and instead of using it, you toss your brown-streaked toilet paper into the garbage can sitting alongside. Disgusting. I mean, even when I was a kid visiting the outhouse at my Aunt Clarinda’s farm in Starbuck, I was taught that you should throw the corncobs in with the shit when you were done. And for a …Read the Rest

Wedding Vows

They said it wouldn’t last. Our first date was on a Tuesday in High School, when we skipped Driver’s Ed to go sit in the park and smoke pot. She moved away the next day, half an hour’s drive and endless long phone calls away, seemingly on the other side of the planet. Our first kiss was that weekend, and still it makes my heart ache to think of it – the blue and white striped shirt that she knew …Read the Rest

Why Birds are Cool

They talk, they laugh, they sing Mine can hover in the air, like a helicopter If they were six feet tall, they would eat you They can crack walnuts with their beaks Bird poop doesn’t stink too much, and they don’t pee on you If you are in the kitchen, they will call to you They are destructive, like a three-year old with a knife You can see they are like little dinosaurs. With feathers Birds smell nice, like leaves …Read the Rest

The Couric Effect

Mr. Ass takes on a new meaning today. This morning I woke up in Mexico (sigh), turned on the TV, surfed past the Spanish-only channels to catch the last five minutes of Judge Judy scolding two bad boys in a dispute over a broken X-Box. I think she’s a terrific hottie. I made coffee, took a shower, shaved, etc. And when I was done, I came back out to see Harry Smith’s ass. Yessir. Today, the CBS Morning News broadcast …Read the Rest

Who are Wii

Four beers into my daughter’s baby shower, the long-secret games and hidden rites of this traditionally female-only event revealed, the fun and games degenerated into this Wii-Fit lunacy. As usual, I held the title in Wii boxing, mostly avoided gutter balls in bowling, and completely sucked at everything else. I did, however, enjoy this new game, the Chicken Game (or whatever it’s called) introduced to us by the mother-in-law. In the attached video, you can see the athletic prowess of …Read the Rest

March 6

Today is my little girl’s birthday. She is 25 years old. She shares this special day with poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning, country-music star Merle Haggard, athlete Shaquille O’Neal comedian Tom Arnold, and Olympian Dick Fosbury, inventor of the Fosbury Flop.   On the other end of the life spectrum, baseball Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett died of a stroke at the sad age of 45. John Philip Sousa, composer of Stars & Stripes Forever, died at 77. US author Louisa May Alcott …Read the Rest

En el Aeropuerto

I was sitting on the tarmac in a Saab 340 Turboprop, waiting to fly home to Tucson from Hermosillo via Aero Mexico, just as I did every week. Despite the aircraft’s small size and inadequate air-conditioning, and also the fact that it was built by a bunch of Swedes, I’d grown used to it and felt reasonably safe after several hundred flights. The props were spinning, the cell phones were off, the crew was completing their pre-flight procedures, when I noticed the guy …Read the Rest

Crazy Pipes

The plumbing here sucks. The tap handles fall off, the toilet leaks, the sink is plugged, sometimes the hot water is on the left, other times on the right. The toilet seat is loose. Generally, taking a shower here is more like taking a bath, as the drain is always plugged and you’re sure to be standing knee deep in soapy, scummy water by the end. The water temperature cycles from hot, to cold, to scalding, depending on the whether the guy three floors up …Read the Rest

El Murciélago

A friend of mine, Tim from Indiana, once told me this story. He worked in Mexico years ago, before escaping back to the US for good. I may have embellished the details, but he did admit to me over a beer that he has an unhealthy fear of bats, and yes, he screams like a girl: On a Wednesday evening in Mexico, with the salt air rolling in from the beaches of nearby Guaymas and the acrid, diesel reek of the …Read the Rest

Don’t Touch That Dial!

With the roar of an ill-maintained Jake Brake from a passing semi-truck rattling the hotel room windows, I woke from a dream in which I was trapped inside a bag of Orville Redenbacher popcorn, slowly roasting toward a climactic death in a convenience store oven. I ripped the covers away, jumped up, ran to the thermostat, ran back to the bed because I forgot my cheater glasses on the nightstand and can’t read a fucking thing anymore without them, ran to the thermostat, stepped on the …Read the Rest

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