That’s Not You

That’s Not You

Some women are afraid their man thinks about others. That he’ll break his promise and leave someday. They wonder, does he even want to be with me? Please believe me when I say, that’s not you.   Some women worry he might get drunk and hit her. Avoid or ignore her, or simply not care. They want to trust him, but are unable. Darling, just know this: I’ll cherish you, and honor our love. You’re my everything, and that will never be …Read the Rest

The Dodge Caravan Affair

The Dodge Caravan Affair

One of the drudgeries of business travel is renting the car. You’ve just flown halfway across the country, jammed into an airplane filled with crying babies, farting fat guys, and Sudoku-playing armrest grabbers. At the end of this odyssey, when you’d like nothing more than to crawl into a dark corner somewhere and suck your thumb, comes the car rental. Your employer would put you on a skateboard if he could save a couple bucks. As it is, you’re lucky if corporate …Read the Rest

Twenty-Eight Years Ago Today

Twenty-Eight Years Ago Today

28 years ago, a baby girl was born. It was a Wednesday. The space shuttle Atlantis would roll out of the Rockwell assembly plant in Palmdale that day, and Mike Tyson would KO Hector Mercedes in his first professional. No ears were damaged. Minimum wage was $3.35, gas was $1.20 a gallon, and the Dow Jones industrial average was hanging around 1300. Bill Gates was still putting the final code tweaks on Windows 1.0. Madonna was like a virgin, Huey …Read the Rest

Baking Biscuits with Paula Deen

Baking Biscuits with Paula Deen

The Sister Wives went to the movie theater this afternoon. The Crazy Cat Lady  said she’d pay (turned out she had free tickets) and the Nordic Warrior Queen wanted to see Silver Linings Playbook. Ever since Hangover, she’s had a thing for Bradley Cooper. I took a rain check. I’m more of an action movie kind of guy. But to show that I wasn’t sore at being left home alone on a Saturday, I decided to surprise them with a …Read the Rest

Ted and Alice

Ted and Alice

The Sister Wife bought two pet birds last week. They’re zebra finches, one of the most worthless creature in the animal kingdom. You’d need a hundred of them for a sandwich. She named them Ted and Alice. “Why not Bob and Carol?” I said. “Those are stupid names,” replied the Sister Wife. She said the Übercat needed something to keep it entertained during the day, while the Sister Wife’s away at work. As if sleeping and licking its ass all day isn’t enough. …Read the Rest

Peeing at the Circle K

Peeing at the Circle K

Headed to Tucson this weekend to visit the kids, the Nordic Warrior Queen and I stopped in Florence to gas up. Naturally, she had to pee. “I had too much coffee.” I didn’t want her to feel self-conscious about it, so I visited the men’s room. To keep her company, sort of. I figured I’d knock on the wall, so she’d know I was thinking of her while the bishop and I wrote my name in the urinal. Holy Christ, …Read the Rest

Marge and the Breakfast Buffet

Marge and the Breakfast Buffet

I saw the sign. I just didn’t care. “Please enjoy your breakfast with us here in the dining room,” it said. “FOOD IS NOT ALLOWED IN GUEST ROOMS!” In all fairness, I was a little cranky. Hotels do that to me. Being away from home, working with difficult clients, a strange bed, and a constant stream of CNN and infomercials. And the food. Every morning, it was the same thing. Bacon with the taste of buffalo jerky, stale oat bran …Read the Rest

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff, Part II

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff, Part II

After my last email to President Obama, he sent me a nice thank you note along with his personal phone number. “Call me anytime,” he said. Since I couldn’t get my point across to Boehner on this whole fiscal cliff thing, I decided to call Obama. Maybe he’d listen. The phone picked up on the first ring. “Barack here.” “Mr. Obama?” “Yes, this is President Obama. To whom am I speaking?” Boy, these guys are big on their titles. “This …Read the Rest

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff

CBS News this morning said that, when we go over the fiscal cliff, my federal income taxes will increase by about two-hundred bucks a month. That’s a lot of money. For two-hundred bucks I could cover off the Sister Wife’s beer for at least two weeks, or take the Nordic Warrior Queen out for a nice night in Peoria. I’m so tired of politics. Those yahoos in Washington couldn’t arrange a bake sale, yet they’re the ones in charge. It …Read the Rest

Riding the HOV Lane

Riding the HOV Lane

The Nordic Warrior Queen blames traffic congestion on carpoolers. “What’s up with those stupid diamond lanes!” She makes this comment as we enjoy the freedom of the northbound HOV lane, whizzing past stop and go traffic as we return home from Target, or driving the pickup truck back from Bevmo, the back heaped high with cases of Miller Lite for the Sister Wife. “Look at those poor people,” she says. “What a waste of space.” Of course she means the …Read the Rest

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