There’s something really weird going on around here. It’s like this. Lately, I’ve been finding empty boxes everywhere – in the refrigerator, the pantry, the cupboards and freezer. Those boxes once contained a food product, but now they’re empty. As I said: weird. I know there are people in this world that will take the last cracker and put the empty box back on the shelf. Who will dare to take the last soda from the 12-pack and leave the …Read the Rest
In Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Galapagos, one-million years of evolution will not give mankind better teeth. On the contrary, future humans will live only thirty years or so, roughly the same lifespan as their “mouthfuls of rotting crockery.” But at least they’re happy, swimming in the ocean and catching fish all day. And they never have to visit the dentist. That’s because, in one-million years, there won’t be any dentists. Oh happy day. It was with these thoughts circling round my pain-wracked …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I have been getting these little holes in our shirts, centered in the front, right around the belly button area. The problem has decimated our t-shirt collection, and naturally, has been driving my wife crazy. So she asked me to Google it, to see if the rest of the world is suffering from this strange phenomenon. As it turns out, they are. Among the causes cited were moth larvae, carpet beetles, and those nasty little …Read the Rest
Twenty-seven years ago today, I learned the true meaning of cold. That night we had temperatures of 22 below zero and a wind-chill of nearly 70 below: engine blocks cracked, water pipes and sewer mains burst, exposed flesh froze in seconds. It was damned cold. What was I doing that night? Why, I was starting cars in the parking lot of the Fairview Southdale Hospital in Edina, MN. That’s because my wife, the Nordic Warrior Queen, was giving birth …Read the Rest
While surfing the news this morning, I ran across the alarming headline “God hates Elizabeth Edwards.” Wow. What an inspiring start to the day. As it turns out, those same “citizens” who protest at the funerals of our fallen soldiers are planning to march on Elizabeth Edwards’ memorial services this Saturday. I guess she said some blasphemous things after her son was killed in a car accident, and these folks took offense. It gets worse. After some investigation, I found …Read the Rest
I knew the Homeless Lady was a bit pissed off at me about the disclosure of the Brussells Sprouts affair, but this is just rude behavior where I come from. After all, I was only being honest.
My wife’s dieting, but I’m not supposed to tell anyone that. And while she’s grazing on low-sodium, fat-free, sugar-free, organic foods, eating enough fruits and vegetables for a petting zoo, measuring, weighing, and timing her meals to atomic precison, consuming no beer, wine, or booze of any kind, a complete frigging teetotaler, I have to fend for myself. So I stocked up on some quick and easy meals. You know, the crap with 7 layers of packaging and enough preservatives …Read the Rest
I’m all for keeping kids safe, but sometimes I think we’ve taken things too far. When I was growing up, life was a free-for-all. We didn’t have childproof cabinet latches, table corner protectors, electrical outlet covers, safety gates, bike helmets, knee and elbow pads, anti-tip furniture straps, and rubber playground surfaces. Most of the time, even adult supervision was largely nonexistent. About the only requirement in a parent’s safety arsenal back then were training wheels, and that’s if the hand-me-downs from your brother’s bike …Read the Rest
Mac and Cheese is the ultimate comfort food. Noodles, cheese, some milk, and a little onion. I make mine with a bit of prosciutto, cut up into littlepieces and fried together with the onions. Yum. I’m a sucker for deli meat to begin with – salami, summer sausage, thuringer, pastrami, whatever. Give me a sandwich and a beer and I’m happy. And I especially love prosciutto. What’s better than a dead pig that’s been hanging on a hook in a …Read the Rest
First it was the tattoo on his elbow, and now the Viking hat. I’m flattered, really. Despite the strange and unorthodox colors of his headgear (I’m told he’s colorblind), I’m pleased to welcome the Catsitter as the newest member of the Nordic Warrior Club. For months it’s just been me and the Nordic Warrior Queen in the club. Even though she’s a fun girl and all that, there’s nothing like a little male companionship if you’re trying to form a fierce warrior …Read the Rest