This is Cassandra. She’s my daughter-in-law. When not pretending to be a giant bug with shiny black eyes and a striped body, she takes care of our boys in Tucson. Someday she’ll be a nurse, and that’s a good thing, as she can then take care of me when I get old and wander around the house mumbling the lyrics to Admiral Halsey while pissing myself. When my son and Cassandra were dating, she frequently left her underthings on the bathroom floor, …Read the Rest
I don’t like this. Ever since Facebook changed their privacy settings, I’ve been getting slammed. Words with Friends, Bejeweled, Jeopardy, Blackjack and Poker—everything my Facebook Friends are playing, I’m now being asked to play along. But the worst one is FarmVille. It seems like nine out of ten posts these days are unwanted information on new plots of irrigated farmland, planting statistics, crop harvests, and status updates for imaginary and improbable farm animals. I went back and read the fine …Read the Rest
I’m proud of my accomplishment. At forty-nine, the Nordic Warrior Queen and I have finally managed to save up a few bucks. It’s not a lot, but enough for a decent used car, perhaps, or a small nest egg in case she makes good on her threats to dump me and move back to Minnesota. That’s why I got so excited when I opened the mailbox the other day: there it was, tucked in between the Albertson’s flier and the …Read the Rest
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I have been married 31 years tomorrow. I’m writing this a day early because I expect to be otherwise indisposed tomorrow night. Happy Anniversary, darling – it seems like just yesterday that we exchanged our vows. Okay, that last bit was bullshit, but it sounded nice anyway. In truth, we’ve been married a long damned time, and I feel every bit of it. In a good way, though, really. Thirty-one years. Wow. The Bureau of …Read the Rest
How do I love thee? Well…let me think: I love your smile, your walk and your shape My affection for you, cannot be escaped Tho’ never was born a fairer lass The truth be told, I love your…um, sass My thirst for you I cannot slake Despite when you snore, and keep me awake You cheer me up when I’m feeling blue So I try to ignore the odors you spew I love thee truly, forever and more Even your …Read the Rest
What’s up with you guys anyway? After two years and 300+ blog posts, what’s the one observation on this fine site that gets the most hits? Snot! See: https://misterass.com/2011/03/28/snot Where’s the fascination? It’s not even that funny – in terms of humor, it doesn’t compare to Ivan and the Key Card, or The Garden Hose. And yet it’s had over 1000 page views. I don’t get it. But what is snot, anyway, that makes it so interesting? According to Wiki – who would …Read the Rest
This morning the Nordic Warrior Queen wanted to know how many people die each year on cruise ships. Since that’s one of the things I don’t know much about I had to look it up in Wikipedia. But Wiki wasn’t there! What the hell? There was only this cryptic message about SOPA and PIPA, which I thought were Spanish words, and a little box asking me for my zip code. Why is Wiki going on about soup and music in …Read the Rest
When I was a kid, it was all so simple. I could load one of these up – Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse, even Frosty the Snowman, it didn’t matter – in about four seconds flat, all while watching The Brady Bunch, or Gilligan’s Island. And I never once dropped a single piece of candy. What the hell happened? I’m talking about PEZ dispensers. Someone put one of these in my stocking for Christmas. It was a merry old Saint Nick model, …Read the Rest
2011? All I can say is…wow. It’s been a busy year. According to the United Nations, Spaceship Earth now carries seven billion souls. That’s a big number, to be sure – when I was born, it was just over three billion, and people were wondering where we were going to put all the…well, all the people. Scientists estimate that, in another fifty years, there will be over nine billion humans calling Earth home. I doubt I’ll be around to see …Read the Rest
As he reached for the dashboard and switched on his bubble light, I realized the unmarked car had been following me ever since I left the bar. I swung into the nearest parking lot I could find, a Toys R’ Us store, jam-packed with mothers and their children returning unwanted Christmas gifts. I put my hands on the steering wheel and waited; I didn’t want to risk getting shot. As the cop approached my door, I had a sinking feeling …Read the Rest