Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Happy Birthday, Wife

Happy Birthday, Wife

A few weeks later, I got the phone call. The gerbil gift might have been a bad idea. Frodo had eaten Bilbo’s tail. Two weeks later, there was another phone call. Bilbo had retaliated for his missing tail by opening a huge can of rodent whoop ass on his cage mate. Frodo was dead.

Twenty-Eight Years Ago Today

Twenty-Eight Years Ago Today

28 years ago, a baby girl was born. It was a Wednesday. The space shuttle Atlantis would roll out of the Rockwell assembly plant in Palmdale that day, and Mike Tyson would KO Hector Mercedes in his first professional. No ears were damaged. Minimum wage was $3.35, gas was $1.20 a gallon, and the Dow Jones industrial average was hanging around 1300. Bill Gates was still putting the final code tweaks on Windows 1.0. Madonna was like a virgin, Huey …Read the Rest

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff, Part II

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff, Part II

After my last email to President Obama, he sent me a nice thank you note along with his personal phone number. “Call me anytime,” he said. Since I couldn’t get my point across to Boehner on this whole fiscal cliff thing, I decided to call Obama. Maybe he’d listen. The phone picked up on the first ring. “Barack here.” “Mr. Obama?” “Yes, this is President Obama. To whom am I speaking?” Boy, these guys are big on their titles. “This …Read the Rest

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff

Going Over the Fiscal Cliff

CBS News this morning said that, when we go over the fiscal cliff, my federal income taxes will increase by about two-hundred bucks a month. That’s a lot of money. For two-hundred bucks I could cover off the Sister Wife’s beer for at least two weeks, or take the Nordic Warrior Queen out for a nice night in Peoria. I’m so tired of politics. Those yahoos in Washington couldn’t arrange a bake sale, yet they’re the ones in charge. It …Read the Rest

The Mimi’s Cafe Muffin Affair

The Mimi’s Cafe Muffin Affair

Since it was Labor Day, the Nordic Warrior Queen and I went to Mimi’s Cafe for a nice breakfast. She likes the cinnamon French toast, and I didn’t want to cook. I wish now we’d stayed home. The place was packed. We waited fifteen minutes before being led to a booth by the window. The hostess handed us menus. “Your server will be right over.” A dreadlocked young woman came over and introduced herself as Glinda. I couldn’t help it. …Read the Rest

The Mexican Barber

The Mexican Barber

She had Mother Mary tattooed on her left bicep. Jesus and his crown of thorns wept blood on her right forearm. A flock of  trumpeting angels swarmed across her shoulders and down underneath her halter top. Piercings hung from both eyebrows, her lip, the left nostril, and up her ear lobes like glittering spiders. “You need haircut?” she said. I sat down in the chair. The placard taped to the mirror said her name was Guadalupe Maria Lupita Rojas. “I am Maria. How you …Read the Rest

Dark Lord

Dark Lord

Do not be deceived by her innocent face, the angelic smile, or suffer my fate you will. No, the girl carries within her an awesome power, one capable of destroying the resolve of even the most steadfast grandparent. The encounter was mercifully brief. She wheeled up to me, running over my toe without an ounce of remorse, and uttered a single word. “Papa.” My heart lurched. That black hoody, those piercing eyes. I cringed at her unmistakable authority—to persuade, to demand, …Read the Rest

Ode to a Mother’s Advice

Ode to a Mother’s Advice

I think that I did never need my Mom’s advice, I did not heed: “Brush your teeth” and “Tie your shoe” and “Wash your hands after the loo!” These cautious words meant naught to me except to give me cause to flee.  “Look both ways, clean up your room!” or she might whack you with a broom. And yet, today, I finally see how much she really did love me.   I picked my nose and ate it too, and …Read the Rest

Cheating on Captain13

Cheating on Captain13

When Captain13 quit playing, I felt completely lost. We’d played together for years, sometimes six, eight times a day. But we were always discreet about it, keeping the frequency of our games a secret from even our wives. Together, we’d learned the rules of this gentle contest, the strategy and tactics, the give and take. And now after all this time, he was gone. There was no text message to explain his absence, no phone call to say his app …Read the Rest

NSF

NSF

Dear Chase Bank, The Nordic Warrior Queen broke a molar this week and it cost $580 to fix. Ouch. And then I forgot about the check I mailed a few days ago to the IRS. The Feds must really need the money, because they sure process payments a lot faster than they do refunds. As a result of all this, my checking account balance went negative by $28. Sorry about that, it happens. However, I didn’t receive an email alert on this situation until 3:41 …Read the Rest

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