Category Archives: Life in Arizona

It Came From Outer Space

It Came From Outer Space

This scary creature comes from the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean

Thirteen Bucks

  I’m not a big do-it-yourselfer kind of guy. Don’t get me wrong, I can put in a garbage disposal or plant a tree or finish a basement with the best of them. The problem is I don’t feel like spending my weekends on this crap. But when the pool company (who will forever remain unnamed) said it would cost me $600 to repalce the motor on my pool pump after only five years of use, I said screw that and …Read the Rest

Bulking Up

Forget Costco. Unless you have eleven kids, or are a dropout from The Biggest Loser, there’s no way you can eat this much food before it goes bad. We know this, and yet we keep going back. During our last visit, we brought home enough food to keep us fed through Armaggedon, the Nuclear Winter, and the Second Coming of Christ. That is, if the electricity stays on (it will, right?). I had to buy a freezer the size of a …Read the Rest

OCD

People are funny. You remember the girl who comes to my house on weekends and organizes the coathangers? You know, the one that sleeps with my son? Well, my newfangled Droid is having some issues, so yesterday I borrowed her old cell phone and with a little technical wizardry (I had to call the Verizon help desk) switched the device over so that it now thinks it’s a Droid, at least for a little while. But that’s not the funny part. What’s funny …Read the Rest

Bringing it Home

I’ve heard of bringing home the bacon (I’ve been doing it for years), and then there’s bringing home some chow (I did that the other night as well). But this guy brings a new meaning to the term. Not only is he bringing home lots of chow (looks like a fifty-pound bag of Pedigree back there) but he’s also doing it in style. I hope he doesn’t take a spill though, because all that kibble on a busy road might create a terrific environmental disaster as …Read the Rest

Yes, I’m Clueless

Does this mean she’s pissed? When she turns the picture you have of her on your nightstand around so it faces the wall, does that mean she’s not talking to you? I suppose I might have figured it out on my own (because she wasn’t talking to me, duh) but at least now after thirty years of marriage I have a clear sign that I did something wrong. Now I just have to figure out what it was.

Still on the Line

Driving to San Diego today, we enjoyed some excellent Country Western music by the legendary Glen Campbell. As a kid, I remember watching his TV show, The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, and even though it couldn’t compete with the incomparable Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, still he hosted such greats as The Beatles, Three Dog Night, Don Ho, Johnny Cash, and even Rock Hudson (long before he admitted to being queer). I grew up listening to The Wichita Lineman, Southern Nights, and especially …Read the Rest

Revenue Enhancement

What the hell are you supposed to do? You’re sitting at the intersection, second in line for a left-turn signal and the arrow turns green. But the idiot in front of you is too busy texting his girlfriend to notice that he’s supposed to be operating a motor vehicle and doesn’t move until the light turns yellow. Now you’re in the middle of the street, drivers on either side revving up their engines as they eagerly prepare to t-bone you, and FLASH, some fucking machine takes your picture for running the …Read the Rest

Finding Just the Right One

We went grocery shopping tonight, the Nordic Warrior Queen and I (it turns out she hates it when I call her that). Shopping is always an adventure, especially after a couple of beers at Chili’s as a pre-Basha’s lubricant. The Nordic Warrior Queen insists on going down every…fucking…aisle, just so we don’t miss anything. I try to be a gentleman and push the cart for her, but I admit that I sometimes get distracted by the condiments, imported cheeses, or pickled vegetables and leave …Read the Rest

Ahwatukee Bess

As long as we’re talking about lawmakers, how about this guy trying to pass laws against free-range cows? I’m not naming names, but I don’t think one runaway heifer is enough to stir up such a fuss, even if she was on the lam for two months in suburban Phoenix. True, she has horns and weighs nearly as much as Smart Car, but what’s the big deal? It’s not like there are many lawns around here she can destroy. As a homeowner, if …Read the Rest

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