Category Archives: Life in Arizona

All Stocked Up

All Stocked Up

I heard her hollering from the other room this morning, something about toilet paper, and I figured she was going on about the roll being on backwards again. But no, that couldn’t be it, because ever since the argument (which I won, by the way) I’ve decided not to even play that game, and have simply refused to even load a roll on the holder in the first place. I think the back of the toilet is a fine place to keep the TP. …Read the Rest

The KGB Barber

The KGB Barber

Normally, I’m not very fussy about haircuts, and will just go to wherever the coupon in my pocket tells me to go. But after yesterday, I’m rethinking the whole haircut thing. I stopped at the local barbershop, which will remain forever unnamed – you will understand why shortly. I put my name on the list and sat down to wait, and five minutes later a strange voice called my name. “You are Meester Kip, yah?” A tall muscular woman with …Read the Rest

Day of the Dead

Day of the Dead

By 9:30 last night, my stomach aching from too many beers and Halloween candy I should never have ate, I finally shut off the lights. If there were any of those costumed little bastards still out there, well they could just keep on walking. I was going to bed. My driveway was splattered with pumpkin remains and a small river of Snickers-colored puke, left there after Darth Vader blew several pounds of candy bars, popcorn balls, and sour skittles out …Read the Rest

The Sale

The Sale

  I worked all week on it. Hours and hours of preparation: sorting, stacking, cleaning, organizing, and then pricing decades worth of collected crap. I ran out of tables halfway through and had to drag the lawn furniture up front to set things on. The rain came in on Friday, the day before the sale, and we were afraid all was lost. But Saturday morning dawned bright and clear, with temps in the low seventies; it was perfect garage sale weather. At …Read the Rest

Uno and the 3-Way

Uno and the 3-Way

  We had dinner at the in-laws on Saturday night. That homeless woman was there. She made three, count ‘em, three different kinds of lasagna. Two of them had broccoli, one had spinach together with some sort of legume, but none of them had mushrooms. What’s up with that? It was a very cool lasagna pan though, with three compartments to keep the different lasagnas separated. My concern would be this: what if you only have two lasagna recipes, what then? Maybe …Read the Rest

The Coin Master

The Coin Master

  We all have one. You know, the little jar you keep in your closet, the place where you throw all your loose change from your pants’ pockets at the end of the day, saving for a rainy day and all that. My change jar is one of those big plastic jobbies, the industrial-sized Pretzel King from Costco that once held enough pretzels to feed a Boy Scout troop. I’d been saving up for two years or so, and by …Read the Rest

Home Repair

Home Repair

My wife will tell you that some home repairs shouldn’t wait. Really. And while I might have a reputation here in the Desert Southwest for procrastination, even I can see when it’s time to haul ass to the Home Depot for plumbing supplies. It started out as just another simple task on the honey-do list. Years ago, when the house was first built, the designers at Patio Pool, in their infinite pool design wisdom, installed plastic knobs on the outdoor sink. I suppose the design guy thought …Read the Rest

The Great Outdoors

The Great Outdoors

My kid went camping last night. I was kind of hoping he would like it so much that he’d consider doing it for the next six months until college graduation and moving day. There are some real nice campgrounds around here, and I’m sure he would be quite comfortable.  But it sounds like that’s not going to happen. Who would take out the trash? Regardless, I had a pleasant evening chasing the Nordic Warrior Queen around the house naked for …Read the Rest

The Hoover

The Hoover

You know I always try to offer a little value to the reading public here at Mr. Ass, which is why I’ve warned you away from such products as Dinty Moore Ham and Potato stew and certain brands of Smack Ramen noodles. But in the interest of being positive, I’d like to give some credit where credit is due.  Let me start by saying I hate vacuum cleaners. Maybe it’s because I hate vacuuming as well, but in my opinion vacuum cleaners are completely stupid. …Read the Rest

It Came from Outer Space, Part II

Resembling a French Tickler from Hell, here’s another scary sea creature dragged up by the Catsitter and his intrepid crew. While nowhere near as terrifying as the last monster, still I would have screamed like a girl if I’d caught this thing. Now you know why I sit in the wheelhouse drinking beer and pretend to drive the boat.

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